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Survivor Tilt

2/13/2019

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Picture
Survivor Tilt

When I feel now as I did then, 
I but one way bend -
It is, as I knew it would,
happening again

Have you heard of survivor guilt?

I'll give you a high-level explanation.

People who survived situations in which others died sometimes feel or believe they have done something wrong by surviving when others didn't. They feel guilty for surviving.

The title of this week's poem "Survivor Tilt" is a play on the words and concept of survivor guilt.

The survivor in this poem has survived something traumatic, which could be a situation in which people died, but not necessarily.

When I titled the poem I was thinking of incest survivors like myself. I will explain later how this title is apt for other types of survivors as well.

I changed the word guilt to tilt, meaning a leaning or inclination toward a belief.

What is that belief? Let's take a look at the poem.

When I feel now as I did then, I say to myself
It is, as I knew it would, happening again.


It is common for survivors of sexual abuse to feel or believe that they will experience the trauma of this experience again.

As a child, this belief was a coping mechanism that kept me from letting my guard down. Telling myself it would happen again protected me from being further shattered by false hope that the trauma was over. 

As I carried this belief into adulthood, its effect shifted from protecting me to limiting me. The event that inspired this poem is an example of how it limited me.

I wrote this poem when I was having an experience in which I felt just as trapped, vulnerable and powerless as I did when I was a child. The situation with something going on at work. Physically the situation was different from that of my childhood, but  I felt the same emotions so I believed the trauma was happening again just as I had told myself it would.

In my mind, the fact that I felt the same was evidence that my belief that it would happen again was true.

What's more, I believed I was just as powerless to take care of myself in the situation at work as I was to protect myself as a child.

So there's my limiting belief as an adult:
If I feel the same, the situation is the same, and I am the same.

This interpretation of my feelings and perception of myself limited my response to this situation to one - get out, get out, get out.

My default response to the possibility of being in situations where I would feel the same was always avoid, avoid, avoid.

It took quite a bit of time and therapy for me to open my mind to these truths:
  1. What happened to me as a child can never happen again because I am different. I am not a child, and I never will be again. 
  2. Even if I were attacked again, my attacker would not have the emotional and physical dominance over me that my father did because I can think with my adult mind and fight with my adult body.

New belief - even if I feel the same, the situation is different, and I am different.

New approach for responding to the same feelings:
- Identify the triggers of the feelings
- Evaluate my interpretation of the triggers objectively
- If I am in physical danger, get out of the situation or fight
- If I am physically safe, be open to what the situation can teach me

My new default response to the possibility of being in situations where I would feel the same is that facing my fear will free me of fear. 

For example, although the sexual abuse occurred in multiple locations, the house where I lived the longest symbolizes the whole experience for me.

Just the thought of returning to the house terrified me for over 30 years.I have avoided even going to the state where I lived.

Inspired by my new belief that facing my fear with free me of it, I have decided to return to the house and walk through it. I expect the experience to trigger the same feelings, but I also expect to be able to reframe my interpretation of the triggers because I am different.  


I think I can safely say that everyone reading this email has survived some kind of trauma.

Your trauma may have been caused by a situation in which you felt powerless, embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated, incompetent, or less than to name a few.

What was your trauma?

What beliefs do you or did you have as a result of your trauma?

How do your beliefs affect you now?

Do you avoid the same or similar situations because you assume you will have the same experience?

How are you different from when your first or last experienced the trauma?

What options does this change in you open up that you didn't see before?

I encourage you to explore the answers to these questions.

I would love to hear your thoughts! ​

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What to Do When Everything Is Riding On Your Decision

1/27/2019

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Outcome

Why is it so the less that I know
the more certain I am of its content?
Fearful thinking fills the void
​because the unknown is infinite
What do you do when something you want to happen (or not happen) hangs in the balance of an outcome you know nothing about?

Do you feel the need to predict the outcome?

If you do, what is your default prediction?

Do you assume the outcome will be what you do (or don't) want?

What is the thinking that behind your assumption?

These questions are the subject of today's poem, "Outcome."

I'll share one of my experiences as an illustration.

I recently signed up with a coaching pairing service. What's a coach pairing service, you ask? A coach pairing service brings together coaches and people looking for coaches.

There are two options to find a coach through this service. The first option is to browse an online directory and choose a coach based on their profile.

The second option is to provide the service information about goals you want a coach to help you achieve and specific coach requirements, such as gender or location. The service then  recommends coaches in the directory who are a good fit for your goal and coach requirements.

Can you guess which option appeals to me as a coach?

Yes, the referral option. The coach pairing service recommends 1 to 3 coaches per request, so people interested in what I do are more likely to find me this way as opposed to browsing through a directory of hundreds of coaches. 

Not all coaches who apply for the referral program are accepted. There's an interview in which I need to convince the head of the referral program to accept me into the program.

Now we have my want, which hangs in the balance of an outcome - I will or won't be accepted.
 
Here are thoughts running through my mind:

What should I say?

Of course I will talk about my training and life experience and my coaching philosophy, but what about my poetry?

Should I talk about how I use my poetry in coaching?
Will that be a plus or a minus?

I don't know (but really I think I do).

Let's look at the first two lines of the poem.

Why is it so the less that I know
the more certain I am of it's content?


I felt the need to make a prediction. I was uncomfortable with the void of knowing nothing.

I had to set an expectation for myself, and I set it for rejection because that's what I was afraid of.

Fearful thinking fills the void
because the unknown is infinite


I assumed that I would not be accepted if I talked about using my poetry in coaching. Why was I so certain?

I had evidence!

I thought of all the negative things people have said to me about poetry.
 
"Nobody likes poetry,"
"I don't understand poetry," 
"I hated studying poetry in school."
"I don't like poetry." (Even people who like my poetry tell me this!)


I was afraid the interviewer would have the same view of poetry and decide that I would not be a good match for anyone.

But that's not all. I was also afraid that even if I were accepted into the program and received a referral, the potential client would be turned off when they heard about the poetry.

Wow! Double Jeopardy! So much was riding on my decision!

What did I do? I talked about it with a coach before I made a decision.

I came to the conclusion that I needed to detach my self from the outcome, which means to make my decision based on something besides what I think, want or fear will happen.

This was difficult to do at first because I was convinced that the outcome depended on my decision, but my coach helped me see this was an illusion.

I cannot control others - only myself.

I also came to the realization that my unique style of coaching is a gift that touches lives, and potential clients won't receive it if they don't know about it.

So I put myself out there in the interview - both poet and coach!

Are you thinking, "and... what was the outcome?" 

Will you feel frustrated if you don't find out what happened?

If the answer is yes, you have missed the point of this inspiration.

The beauty and power of detaching from the outcome is the outcome doesn't matter.

Need some help with applying that concept to your life?

Schedule a complimentary session with me.

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Embracing Truth

12/1/2018

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Picture
Truth
Truth is price and purchase,
burden and relief,
and passage from endless fear,
to finite joy and grief


Are you avoiding learning the truth about something? Maybe it is something about a loved one, maybe something about yourself. Are you in constant fear of what the truth might be?

The price of knowing the truth is that you can’t un-know it, and it might be painful – even earth-shattering. By the same token, it may be a relief to learn what you fear is not true.

Regardless of the outcome, learning the truth is freeing because we transition out of the caustic churning of fear into growth that comes only from embracing reality.

If you are ready to move out of the cycle of endless fear, I can help.
Schedule a complimentary session with me today.

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    Author

    Joyce Collins is a life coach who specializes in helping women who were sexually abused as a child to transform themselves into confident women who love themselves and lead fulfilling lives.

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