Many I's In Me
I tremble as Older reveals her mystery -
There are many I's in me -
All beholder and what I see
May none of them be the judge of me
Welcome to Many I's In Me Part 3 - Blessings
In Part 1 - The Courage to Feel, I talked about the judgment I, the young child placed on I, the early adolescent. I encourage you to read part 1 now if you haven't already or if you would like a refresher.
In Part 2 - From Surviving To Thriving!, I talked about the judgment I, the mid-life adult, judged the I, the young adult's, passion for romance. I encourage you to read part 2 now if you haven't already or if you would like a refresher.
Recall from Parts 1 and 2:
I, the mid-life adult, judged the I, the young adult's, passion for romance to be the cause of all my past, present, and future suffering, and so locked it into a box with no intention of release.
A newcomer, I, the second-half-of-life adult, has found the key to the lock box and is circulating a petition for clemency, which as you might imagine, is seriously rocking my boat.
All the I's in me are happy to tell you that the petition for clemency circulated by I, the second-half-of-life adult, has been signed unanimously.
I am, for the first time in 17 years, open to having a romantic relationship.
My sexuality coach (yes, there is such thing) said that we attract what we are ready for, and I have found that to be true, I did indeed attract a romantic relationship into my life shortly after became open to having one, and the experience has enriched my life more than I could have imagined.
The biggest blessing has been realizing that I have healed. Triggers have come up, and I have handled them without getting the present confused with the past. Intense feelings of longing and passion have come up also, but I did not let them cloud my judgment as before. It was not that I choose to let them cloud my judgment before, but that I had neither the self-knowledge or self-love to prevent them doing so.
I've had two more experiences that I believe are related.
Shortly before Thanksgiving I was luxuriating in a hot bath, one of my favorite ways to relax. I often listen to music or an audio book while soaking, but I opted not to this time. Into the quiet of my mind came the sound of my father's spirit saying, " I am so PROUD of you!" I do not know if my father was alive or dead at the time, but I do know it was his spirit that said these words. This beautiful experience enabled me to realize that even people who choose to use their mind and body for monstrous cruelty and harm have spirits that are innately good and infinitely loving.
When I shared this experience with my mother, she asked which part of me heard the message. "All" I replied. "All the I's In Me."
To understand the second experience, I need to tell you a dream I had about 30 years ago in which I opened my mouth and all my teeth instantly and painlessly fell out. Out of curiosity, I researched the symbolism of teeth falling out in dreams, and found one possible meaning was that teeth represented ideas or ways of thinking and teeth falling out symbolized letting go of these ideas. Whether you agree with this interpretation in unimportant for the purpose of this inspiration. What is important is that this is the interpretation I made of the dream.
After I heard my father's spirit tell me he was proud of me, all my teeth fell out. I instantly and effortlessly let go of my anger and hatred towards him. I didn't need them because they didn't serve me anymore.
This blessed release enabled me to do what I once thought impossible - forgive him.
What teeth are you holding in your head?
Do they serve you? if not, are ready to let them go?
If the answer is yes, reach out to me!
I'm going to do a little something different in this inspiration. Normally, you would see a poem at the beginning and I would weave it into an inspirational message.
However this time, there are three poems I wish to share and much to say about them, so I will show you one at a time and discuss each in turn.
"The One" expresses a life-long longing stemming from my childhood.
"Deaf Until I Listen,"is also related to my childhood, although surprisingly I wrote it prior to my memories of incest surfacing.
"In," is a powerful poem of self-discovery.
I see your face at the end of wait
The one day of someday
The liquid of longing gone past
It is to me the fulfillment of dreams,
the soothing of wounds,
the rising of joy at last
All this would be so,
I know, I know
if your lot with mine
What or who comes to mind for you when you think of The One?
When I wrote this poem and for a long time after, "the one" was the perfect romantic partner with whom to share my life. This person would heal the wounds of my past by filling the gaping whole in my soul with love, affirmation, and affection.
I was certain beyond any doubt that happiness, joy and fulfillment were to be found only in an intimate relationship with such a person. I was also certain that only one person in the world could be my life mate, hence my belief in The One.
In my coach training I learned that
The answers to all questions lie within.
This principle means that when we look inward to ourselves, we find what we are looking for, whatever we are looking for - self-esteem, confidence, the solution to a problem, or the pathway to fulfill a dream to name a few.
This is not to say that relationship with others is not important, but the contribution of those relationships to our life depends entirely on the relationship with self.
The first principle leads to two more:
Each one of us is a perfect unique energy force.
Each of us is greater and wiser than we appear to be.
We come here as complete perfect beings with a seed of self- knowing and self-loving at our center.
That seed grows into consciousness when we look for it where it's always been - inside.
Deaf Until I Listen
I try to make her see it -
this wounded child of mine
Nothing is as it was
There's no reason for the pain
But she is deaf until I listen,
rigid until I yield
all-consuming until I surrender,
lame until I bridge the gap
and walk it back again.
This wounded child of mine refers to my inner child - the part of me that was carrying old pain I hadn't dealt with. She was all-consuming, calling constantly and loudly for my attention. I chose not to listen because I did not want to feel pain.
I tried rationalizing that there was no reason for me to be in pain now because I was out of the situation that caused the pain. Nothing is as it was. There's no reason for the pain. This argument did not hold water with my inner child - she was deaf to me.
I still did not listen. I wanted to feel happy, so I dedicated my attention to finding The One.
I thought I had found The One 10 times. Each time, I tried to inspire love by handing over an emotional blank check, believing I would receive happiness in return.
Each relationship ended in devastation from being rejected. I believed that what I had to offer was not enough to inspire the love I longed for, so I did not deserve it.
I am sure you will not be surprised to learn that I was often in the grips of a depression, which grew deeper with each failed attempt to find The One.
I eventually came to the conclusion that The One does not exist.
This new belief opened my mind to looking elsewhere for happiness.
I began to pay attention to inner child, who had never stopped calling me inward. I finally yielded. I surrendered my abject determination to avoid pain I bridged the gap between us. I listened to her story and felt her pain - my pain.
The pain was all-consuming as I feared it would be, but feeling it, holding space for it, showed me I could heal my hurt myself.
I never thought to live in my house,
To renovate the rooms
I only sought to get out -
To live in something new
Ten times I left, Ten times I built
That house again the same
From breakfast nook to ceiling fan
From brick to window pane
In my rage I tore it down -
Stripped in to the frame
And in the end found myself out
Through a door that opened in
My house in this poem represents me. Renovate the rooms means to work on myself.
Wanting to live in something new represents my desire to leave the self I don't like behind, and find the person I want to be in an outside experience.
The ten times I left that house and built it again the same are the ten unsuccessful attempts to find happiness in a relationship with The One.
I had a custom house built in my twenties. Shortly after moving in I realized that I had designed the house to be exactly like my childhood home - from breakfast nook to ceiling fan, from brick to window pane.
In my rage, I tore it down, stripped it to the frame. Rage at being unable to find what I wanted through The One, led me to abandon the belief that The oneexisted. I let go of the idea that I needed someone else to heal my wounds.
And in the end found myself out through a door that opened in represents the result of working on my relationship with myself by looking inward.
I found out that I am the source of my happiness, I have the ability to heal my wounds and fulfill my dreams.
I am The One.
You are The One in your life too.
Having trouble believing this?
If you are willing to do the hard work of healing, I can help you through coaching.
Reach out to me!
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Joyce Collins is a life coach who specializes in helping women who were sexually abused as a child to transform themselves into confident women who love themselves and lead fulfilling lives.