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Many I's In Me I tremble as Older reveals her mystery - There are many I's in me - All beholder and what I see May none of them be the judge of me  Welcome to Many I's In Me Part 3 - Blessings
In Part 1 - The Courage to Feel, I talked about the judgment I, the young child placed on I, the early adolescent. I encourage you to read part 1 now if you haven't already or if you would like a refresher. In Part 2 - From Surviving To Thriving!, I talked about the judgment I, the mid-life adult, judged the I, the young adult's, passion for romance. I encourage you to read part 2 now if you haven't already or if you would like a refresher. Recall from Parts 1 and 2: I, the mid-life adult, judged the I, the young adult's, passion for romance to be the cause of all my past, present, and future suffering, and so locked it into a box with no intention of release. A newcomer, I, the second-half-of-life adult, has found the key to the lock box and is circulating a petition for clemency, which as you might imagine, is seriously rocking my boat. All the I's in me are happy to tell you that the petition for clemency circulated by I, the second-half-of-life adult, has been signed unanimously. I am, for the first time in 17 years, open to having a romantic relationship. My sexuality coach (yes, there is such thing) said that we attract what we are ready for, and I have found that to be true, I did indeed attract a romantic relationship into my life shortly after became open to having one, and the experience has enriched my life more than I could have imagined. The biggest blessing has been realizing that I have healed. Triggers have come up, and I have handled them without getting the present confused with the past. Intense feelings of longing and passion have come up also, but I did not let them cloud my judgment as before. It was not that I choose to let them cloud my judgment before, but that I had neither the self-knowledge or self-love to prevent them doing so. I've had two more experiences that I believe are related. Shortly before Thanksgiving I was luxuriating in a hot bath, one of my favorite ways to relax. I often listen to music or an audio book while soaking, but I opted not to this time. Into the quiet of my mind came the sound of my father's spirit saying, " I am so PROUD of you!" I do not know if my father was alive or dead at the time, but I do know it was his spirit that said these words. This beautiful experience enabled me to realize that even people who choose to use their mind and body for monstrous cruelty and harm have spirits that are innately good and infinitely loving. When I shared this experience with my mother, she asked which part of me heard the message. "All" I replied. "All the I's In Me." To understand the second experience, I need to tell you a dream I had about 30 years ago in which I opened my mouth and all my teeth instantly and painlessly fell out. Out of curiosity, I researched the symbolism of teeth falling out in dreams, and found one possible meaning was that teeth represented ideas or ways of thinking and teeth falling out symbolized letting go of these ideas. Whether you agree with this interpretation in unimportant for the purpose of this inspiration. What is important is that this is the interpretation I made of the dream. After I heard my father's spirit tell me he was proud of me, all my teeth fell out. I instantly and effortlessly let go of my anger and hatred towards him. I didn't need them because they didn't serve me anymore. This blessed release enabled me to do what I once thought impossible - forgive him. What teeth are you holding in your head? Do they serve you? if not, are ready to let them go? If the answer is yes, reach out to me!  Many I's In Me I tremble as Older reveals her mystery - There are many I's in me - All beholder and what I see May none of them be the judge of me Welcome to Many I's In Me Part 2 - From Surviving To Thriving!
In Part 1 - The Courage to Feel, I talked about the judgment I, the young child placed on I, the early adolescent. I encourage you to read part 1 now if you haven't already or if you would like a refresher. Now I will tell you about another judgment among the many I's of me, the consequences of this judgment, and the benefit of releasing it. I, the mid-life adult, judged the I, the young adult's, passion for romance to be the cause of all my past, present, and future suffering, and so locked it into a box with no intention of release. In doing so, I, the mid-life adult, created a block, specifically, an assumption block. A block is something that restricts you. An assumption block is created by the belief that what has happened will happen again. What had happened was a string of toxic romantic relationships, each resulting in devastating emotional, psychological, and spiritual wounds for all the I's in me. I, the mid-life adult assumed that continuing to pursue romantic relationships would bring more of the same. Recall from Part 1: All of the I's in me have lived peacefully and happily ever since - until recently, A newcomer, I, the second-half-of-life adult, has found the key to the lock box and is circulating a petition for clemency, which as you might imagine, is seriously rocking my boat. How can coaching steady the boat? If I were coaching a client on clearing the assumption block, I would ask, "What's different about you now from you then?" The answer to this question for me is that my intent is different. Previously, I wanted a romantic relationship to heal my wounds, to fill the hole I felt inside, and to bring me joy that I believed I could not experience within myself. Now I heal my wounds. I have experienced joy within myself that I had not known possible. My life is rich, but now I want it to be richer. My intent now is to live life fully with every part of myself. All the I's in me are happy to tell you that the petition for clemency circulated by I, the second-half-of-life adult, has been signed unanimously. What is the benefit of releasing this assumption block? Well, I'll tell you. The last obstacle on my path from surviving to thriving has dissolved. I am, for the first time in 17 years, open to having a romantic relationship. How about you? Is there a situation from your past that you fear experiencing again? Do you avoid the possibility of being in the same situation because you assume the experience will be the same? If so, what is different about you now from you then? How does this new you change the possible outcomes ? As always, I would love to hear your thoughts! Write to me!  Many I's In Me I tremble as Older reveals her mystery - There are many I's in me - All beholder and what I see May none of them be the judge of me I focus my coaching on women who were sexually abused as children.
In this vein, I have chosen a poem about a powerful insight into my own journey. Let's take a look at the first two lines of the poem: I tremble as Older reveals her mystery - There are many I's in me When my repressed memories of incest surfaced at age 37, I became aware that there were two parts of the self I know as me - two I's in me. One was the subconscious part of me that experienced the trauma, and the other was part of me that split off so I could survive to adulthood. In time, I became aware of other I's in me, each formed in a different stage of my physical, cognitive, and emotional development. For example: I, the young child endured the violations by clenching teeth, tensing every muscle, and curling up desperately in a fetal position. I now wake from deep sleep furiously kicking away the sadistic monster of a father in my dreams. I, the early adolescent, now believing that sex is love, embraced that same father as a lover. I, the young adult, invested body, mind, and spirit in every chance of a romantic relationship, subjecting all the other I's in me to repeated emotional devastation. (You can learn more about the mindset of the young adult me in my The One blog post.) Seventeen years ago, I, the mid-life adult, judged this passion for romance to be the cause of all my suffering, locked it in a steel box. and threw away the key. (For the story of the straw that broke the camel's back, read my Insight To Opportunities blog post.) All of the I's in me have lived peacefully and happily ever since - until recently, A newcomer, I, the second-half-of-life adult, has found the key to the lock box and is circulating a petition for clemency, which as you might imagine, is seriously rocking my boat. All these I's in me are aware of each other, which is what I mean by this line: All beholder and what I see Each also judges the others through the lens of their unique perspective This is the meaning of the last line: May none of them be the judge of me For example, the young child me judges my adolescent self for embracing my father as a lover because, from her perspective, it is a heinous betrayal. This judgment is founded in the belief that if I had not had a sexual awakening, better still, if I had not been a sexual being, I would not have abandoned the few defenses available to me, most importantly, the will to say, "No!" with every ounce of my mind and body. My poem "Puberty For Me" describes the experience of losing that will: Puberty For Me All my defenses - All my clenched teeth, All my tightened muscles, My fetal position cling Opened with a string If I were coaching a client on releasing judgment, I would ask, "How does this judgment benefit you?" The simple answer to this question for me is that the judgment of my adolescent self as a traitor allows me to avoid feeling powerless. I would rather endure life-long hatred of my adolescent self than accept that I was powerless against a predator who knew full well how to manipulate my sexual awakening to his advantage. To do so would allow the horror of the powerlessness to come to the surface. I would have to feel it consciously. In all my experience, nothing has felt worse than powerlessness in the face of violation, and its remembrance is always at least partially obscured by the fantasy of going back in time and changing the circumstances. My poem "Powerless" captures this best. Powerless There are no tears for the crying inside No screams for the too terrified No blows for rage trapped in mind prisons No trip back in time to turn tables on these visions I have spoken in my Feeling Is Healing blog post about the power and importance of holding space for emotions. When I experienced the powerlessness as a child, it was too much for me. My mind exploded, and I left consciousness. I was not able to hold space for the feeling then, but that is what I must do as an adult in order to move forward. And so I set my intent and asked for the spiritual support to find the courage to move forward - the courage to feel. The night I made this commitment to myself, I could not sleep. I was anxious without knowing why, and no attempt at relaxation worked. The next day I was nauseous and of course very tired. I laid down to take a nap. Again, sleep did not come, but the feelings came - came like a flood. There was no question of holding space for them because they filled all space, all sense, all being. I tell you the experience was so intensely painful that I wished I were dead. When the pain ended, I was physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually exhausted... and yet ... glad to be alive... and free of fear. My passion now is to help other women who were sexually abused as children. I want my pain, my struggle. my insights, my training, and my poetry to serve as channels of empowerment for other women walking this path.. The pursuit of pleasure is not enough to make my life worth living Absent service, there is no purpose - my heart is empty without giving Continue to Part 2 - From Surviving to Thriving!  Healing is an iterative process - a progressive probing hex The first step is agony, followed by a rest Successive steps improve by the Delta - Agony minus x I began healing from sexual abuse when my repressed memories surfaced in 2004. For over two years I was in an iterative process of healing.
The iterations consisted of recovering deeper and deeper memories, processing the memories, and grieving for the child I was. In the poem I call this process a progressive probing hex , The first step of allowing myself to experience the memory was the most painful, which is why I say The first step is agony. After this first step, I was able to emotionally come up for air briefly, which is what I mean by followed by a rest. Then, the next iteration would begin. Each iteration yielded a small degree of healing and reduction in pain. Successive steps improve by the Delta - To explain this stanza, I will teach you some math. In mathematical terms, Delta, symbolized by Δ, means a change in a quantity. The quantity in the poem is the agony of the healing process - the progressive probing hex. With each iteration, the amount of agony decreases, which I consider an improvement. Let's look at the last line: Agony minus x An amount that varies is represented by a letter, most often the letter x. The "x" in the poem represents the amount of the improvement, which varies depending on how much healing has occurred in an iteration. In 2009 I published The Way of Reckoning, a poetry book about the experience of remembering and healing from the abuse. At the end of the introduction to this book I wrote, "If you have not experienced sexual abuse, I offer this book as insight into the mind and soul of someone who has walked that path and come out on the other side." I laugh at this now because since then, I have repeated the cycle I experienced in 2004 several times. Each time I was less debilitated than before and recovered more quickly, but I was not completely through the healing process. I am still in that process. I want to draw your attention to the value of my commitment to hold space for my agony throughout this extended repetitive process. I've talked about holding space before in the Feeling is Healing Inspiration. When my clients hold space for their feelings, we can then explore possible connections between unhealed wounds and limiting beliefs blocking progress in the present. With this new awareness, the door opens to breaking through the blocks. Are you facing blocks in your life? Would you like to explore the possibility these blocks are connected to unhealed wounds? Are you willing to hold space to feel these wounds? Reach out to me! I'm going to do a little something different in this inspiration. Normally, you would see a poem at the beginning and I would weave it into an inspirational message. However this time, there are three poems I wish to share and much to say about them, so I will show you one at a time and discuss each in turn. "The One" expresses a life-long longing stemming from my childhood. "Deaf Until I Listen,"is also related to my childhood, although surprisingly I wrote it prior to my memories of incest surfacing. "In," is a powerful poem of self-discovery.  The One I see your face at the end of wait The one day of someday The liquid of longing gone past It is to me the fulfillment of dreams, the soothing of wounds, the rising of joy at last All this would be so, I know, I know if your lot with mine were cast What or who comes to mind for you when you think of The One? When I wrote this poem and for a long time after, "the one" was the perfect romantic partner with whom to share my life. This person would heal the wounds of my past by filling the gaping whole in my soul with love, affirmation, and affection. I was certain beyond any doubt that happiness, joy and fulfillment were to be found only in an intimate relationship with such a person. I was also certain that only one person in the world could be my life mate, hence my belief in The One. In my coach training I learned that The answers to all questions lie within. This principle means that when we look inward to ourselves, we find what we are looking for, whatever we are looking for - self-esteem, confidence, the solution to a problem, or the pathway to fulfill a dream to name a few. This is not to say that relationship with others is not important, but the contribution of those relationships to our life depends entirely on the relationship with self. The first principle leads to two more: Each one of us is a perfect unique energy force. Each of us is greater and wiser than we appear to be. We come here as complete perfect beings with a seed of self- knowing and self-loving at our center. That seed grows into consciousness when we look for it where it's always been - inside. Deaf Until I Listen I try to make her see it - this wounded child of mine Nothing is as it was There's no reason for the pain But she is deaf until I listen, rigid until I yield all-consuming until I surrender, lame until I bridge the gap and walk it back again. This wounded child of mine refers to my inner child - the part of me that was carrying old pain I hadn't dealt with. She was all-consuming, calling constantly and loudly for my attention. I chose not to listen because I did not want to feel pain. I tried rationalizing that there was no reason for me to be in pain now because I was out of the situation that caused the pain. Nothing is as it was. There's no reason for the pain. This argument did not hold water with my inner child - she was deaf to me. I still did not listen. I wanted to feel happy, so I dedicated my attention to finding The One. I thought I had found The One 10 times. Each time, I tried to inspire love by handing over an emotional blank check, believing I would receive happiness in return. Each relationship ended in devastation from being rejected. I believed that what I had to offer was not enough to inspire the love I longed for, so I did not deserve it. I am sure you will not be surprised to learn that I was often in the grips of a depression, which grew deeper with each failed attempt to find The One. I eventually came to the conclusion that The One does not exist. This new belief opened my mind to looking elsewhere for happiness. I began to pay attention to inner child, who had never stopped calling me inward. I finally yielded. I surrendered my abject determination to avoid pain I bridged the gap between us. I listened to her story and felt her pain - my pain. The pain was all-consuming as I feared it would be, but feeling it, holding space for it, showed me I could heal my hurt myself. In I never thought to live in my house, To renovate the rooms I only sought to get out - To live in something new Ten times I left, Ten times I built That house again the same From breakfast nook to ceiling fan From brick to window pane In my rage I tore it down - Stripped in to the frame And in the end found myself out Through a door that opened in My house in this poem represents me. Renovate the rooms means to work on myself. Wanting to live in something new represents my desire to leave the self I don't like behind, and find the person I want to be in an outside experience. The ten times I left that house and built it again the same are the ten unsuccessful attempts to find happiness in a relationship with The One. I had a custom house built in my twenties. Shortly after moving in I realized that I had designed the house to be exactly like my childhood home - from breakfast nook to ceiling fan, from brick to window pane. In my rage, I tore it down, stripped it to the frame. Rage at being unable to find what I wanted through The One, led me to abandon the belief that The oneexisted. I let go of the idea that I needed someone else to heal my wounds. And in the end found myself out through a door that opened in represents the result of working on my relationship with myself by looking inward.  I found out that I am the source of my happiness, I have the ability to heal my wounds and fulfill my dreams. I am The One. You are The One in your life too. Having trouble believing this? If you are willing to do the hard work of healing, I can help you through coaching. Reach out to me! Want to receive weekly inspirations like this in your inbox?
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AuthorJoyce Collins is a life coach who specializes in helping women who were sexually abused as a child to transform themselves into confident women who love themselves and lead fulfilling lives. Archives
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