|
Many I's In Me I tremble as Older reveals her mystery - There are many I's in me - All beholder and what I see May none of them be the judge of me  Welcome to Many I's In Me Part 3 - Blessings
In Part 1 - The Courage to Feel, I talked about the judgment I, the young child placed on I, the early adolescent. I encourage you to read part 1 now if you haven't already or if you would like a refresher. In Part 2 - From Surviving To Thriving!, I talked about the judgment I, the mid-life adult, judged the I, the young adult's, passion for romance. I encourage you to read part 2 now if you haven't already or if you would like a refresher. Recall from Parts 1 and 2: I, the mid-life adult, judged the I, the young adult's, passion for romance to be the cause of all my past, present, and future suffering, and so locked it into a box with no intention of release. A newcomer, I, the second-half-of-life adult, has found the key to the lock box and is circulating a petition for clemency, which as you might imagine, is seriously rocking my boat. All the I's in me are happy to tell you that the petition for clemency circulated by I, the second-half-of-life adult, has been signed unanimously. I am, for the first time in 17 years, open to having a romantic relationship. My sexuality coach (yes, there is such thing) said that we attract what we are ready for, and I have found that to be true, I did indeed attract a romantic relationship into my life shortly after became open to having one, and the experience has enriched my life more than I could have imagined. The biggest blessing has been realizing that I have healed. Triggers have come up, and I have handled them without getting the present confused with the past. Intense feelings of longing and passion have come up also, but I did not let them cloud my judgment as before. It was not that I choose to let them cloud my judgment before, but that I had neither the self-knowledge or self-love to prevent them doing so. I've had two more experiences that I believe are related. Shortly before Thanksgiving I was luxuriating in a hot bath, one of my favorite ways to relax. I often listen to music or an audio book while soaking, but I opted not to this time. Into the quiet of my mind came the sound of my father's spirit saying, " I am so PROUD of you!" I do not know if my father was alive or dead at the time, but I do know it was his spirit that said these words. This beautiful experience enabled me to realize that even people who choose to use their mind and body for monstrous cruelty and harm have spirits that are innately good and infinitely loving. When I shared this experience with my mother, she asked which part of me heard the message. "All" I replied. "All the I's In Me." To understand the second experience, I need to tell you a dream I had about 30 years ago in which I opened my mouth and all my teeth instantly and painlessly fell out. Out of curiosity, I researched the symbolism of teeth falling out in dreams, and found one possible meaning was that teeth represented ideas or ways of thinking and teeth falling out symbolized letting go of these ideas. Whether you agree with this interpretation in unimportant for the purpose of this inspiration. What is important is that this is the interpretation I made of the dream. After I heard my father's spirit tell me he was proud of me, all my teeth fell out. I instantly and effortlessly let go of my anger and hatred towards him. I didn't need them because they didn't serve me anymore. This blessed release enabled me to do what I once thought impossible - forgive him. What teeth are you holding in your head? Do they serve you? if not, are ready to let them go? If the answer is yes, reach out to me!  Many I's In Me I tremble as Older reveals her mystery - There are many I's in me - All beholder and what I see May none of them be the judge of me Welcome to Many I's In Me Part 2 - From Surviving To Thriving!
In Part 1 - The Courage to Feel, I talked about the judgment I, the young child placed on I, the early adolescent. I encourage you to read part 1 now if you haven't already or if you would like a refresher. Now I will tell you about another judgment among the many I's of me, the consequences of this judgment, and the benefit of releasing it. I, the mid-life adult, judged the I, the young adult's, passion for romance to be the cause of all my past, present, and future suffering, and so locked it into a box with no intention of release. In doing so, I, the mid-life adult, created a block, specifically, an assumption block. A block is something that restricts you. An assumption block is created by the belief that what has happened will happen again. What had happened was a string of toxic romantic relationships, each resulting in devastating emotional, psychological, and spiritual wounds for all the I's in me. I, the mid-life adult assumed that continuing to pursue romantic relationships would bring more of the same. Recall from Part 1: All of the I's in me have lived peacefully and happily ever since - until recently, A newcomer, I, the second-half-of-life adult, has found the key to the lock box and is circulating a petition for clemency, which as you might imagine, is seriously rocking my boat. How can coaching steady the boat? If I were coaching a client on clearing the assumption block, I would ask, "What's different about you now from you then?" The answer to this question for me is that my intent is different. Previously, I wanted a romantic relationship to heal my wounds, to fill the hole I felt inside, and to bring me joy that I believed I could not experience within myself. Now I heal my wounds. I have experienced joy within myself that I had not known possible. My life is rich, but now I want it to be richer. My intent now is to live life fully with every part of myself. All the I's in me are happy to tell you that the petition for clemency circulated by I, the second-half-of-life adult, has been signed unanimously. What is the benefit of releasing this assumption block? Well, I'll tell you. The last obstacle on my path from surviving to thriving has dissolved. I am, for the first time in 17 years, open to having a romantic relationship. How about you? Is there a situation from your past that you fear experiencing again? Do you avoid the possibility of being in the same situation because you assume the experience will be the same? If so, what is different about you now from you then? How does this new you change the possible outcomes ? As always, I would love to hear your thoughts! Write to me!  Many I's In Me I tremble as Older reveals her mystery - There are many I's in me - All beholder and what I see May none of them be the judge of me I focus my coaching on women who were sexually abused as children.
In this vein, I have chosen a poem about a powerful insight into my own journey. Let's take a look at the first two lines of the poem: I tremble as Older reveals her mystery - There are many I's in me When my repressed memories of incest surfaced at age 37, I became aware that there were two parts of the self I know as me - two I's in me. One was the subconscious part of me that experienced the trauma, and the other was part of me that split off so I could survive to adulthood. In time, I became aware of other I's in me, each formed in a different stage of my physical, cognitive, and emotional development. For example: I, the young child endured the violations by clenching teeth, tensing every muscle, and curling up desperately in a fetal position. I now wake from deep sleep furiously kicking away the sadistic monster of a father in my dreams. I, the early adolescent, now believing that sex is love, embraced that same father as a lover. I, the young adult, invested body, mind, and spirit in every chance of a romantic relationship, subjecting all the other I's in me to repeated emotional devastation. (You can learn more about the mindset of the young adult me in my The One blog post.) Seventeen years ago, I, the mid-life adult, judged this passion for romance to be the cause of all my suffering, locked it in a steel box. and threw away the key. (For the story of the straw that broke the camel's back, read my Insight To Opportunities blog post.) All of the I's in me have lived peacefully and happily ever since - until recently, A newcomer, I, the second-half-of-life adult, has found the key to the lock box and is circulating a petition for clemency, which as you might imagine, is seriously rocking my boat. All these I's in me are aware of each other, which is what I mean by this line: All beholder and what I see Each also judges the others through the lens of their unique perspective This is the meaning of the last line: May none of them be the judge of me For example, the young child me judges my adolescent self for embracing my father as a lover because, from her perspective, it is a heinous betrayal. This judgment is founded in the belief that if I had not had a sexual awakening, better still, if I had not been a sexual being, I would not have abandoned the few defenses available to me, most importantly, the will to say, "No!" with every ounce of my mind and body. My poem "Puberty For Me" describes the experience of losing that will: Puberty For Me All my defenses - All my clenched teeth, All my tightened muscles, My fetal position cling Opened with a string If I were coaching a client on releasing judgment, I would ask, "How does this judgment benefit you?" The simple answer to this question for me is that the judgment of my adolescent self as a traitor allows me to avoid feeling powerless. I would rather endure life-long hatred of my adolescent self than accept that I was powerless against a predator who knew full well how to manipulate my sexual awakening to his advantage. To do so would allow the horror of the powerlessness to come to the surface. I would have to feel it consciously. In all my experience, nothing has felt worse than powerlessness in the face of violation, and its remembrance is always at least partially obscured by the fantasy of going back in time and changing the circumstances. My poem "Powerless" captures this best. Powerless There are no tears for the crying inside No screams for the too terrified No blows for rage trapped in mind prisons No trip back in time to turn tables on these visions I have spoken in my Feeling Is Healing blog post about the power and importance of holding space for emotions. When I experienced the powerlessness as a child, it was too much for me. My mind exploded, and I left consciousness. I was not able to hold space for the feeling then, but that is what I must do as an adult in order to move forward. And so I set my intent and asked for the spiritual support to find the courage to move forward - the courage to feel. The night I made this commitment to myself, I could not sleep. I was anxious without knowing why, and no attempt at relaxation worked. The next day I was nauseous and of course very tired. I laid down to take a nap. Again, sleep did not come, but the feelings came - came like a flood. There was no question of holding space for them because they filled all space, all sense, all being. I tell you the experience was so intensely painful that I wished I were dead. When the pain ended, I was physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually exhausted... and yet ... glad to be alive... and free of fear. My passion now is to help other women who were sexually abused as children. I want my pain, my struggle. my insights, my training, and my poetry to serve as channels of empowerment for other women walking this path.. The pursuit of pleasure is not enough to make my life worth living Absent service, there is no purpose - my heart is empty without giving Continue to Part 2 - From Surviving to Thriving!  Healing is an iterative process - a progressive probing hex The first step is agony, followed by a rest Successive steps improve by the Delta - Agony minus x I began healing from sexual abuse when my repressed memories surfaced in 2004. For over two years I was in an iterative process of healing.
The iterations consisted of recovering deeper and deeper memories, processing the memories, and grieving for the child I was. In the poem I call this process a progressive probing hex , The first step of allowing myself to experience the memory was the most painful, which is why I say The first step is agony. After this first step, I was able to emotionally come up for air briefly, which is what I mean by followed by a rest. Then, the next iteration would begin. Each iteration yielded a small degree of healing and reduction in pain. Successive steps improve by the Delta - To explain this stanza, I will teach you some math. In mathematical terms, Delta, symbolized by Δ, means a change in a quantity. The quantity in the poem is the agony of the healing process - the progressive probing hex. With each iteration, the amount of agony decreases, which I consider an improvement. Let's look at the last line: Agony minus x An amount that varies is represented by a letter, most often the letter x. The "x" in the poem represents the amount of the improvement, which varies depending on how much healing has occurred in an iteration. In 2009 I published The Way of Reckoning, a poetry book about the experience of remembering and healing from the abuse. At the end of the introduction to this book I wrote, "If you have not experienced sexual abuse, I offer this book as insight into the mind and soul of someone who has walked that path and come out on the other side." I laugh at this now because since then, I have repeated the cycle I experienced in 2004 several times. Each time I was less debilitated than before and recovered more quickly, but I was not completely through the healing process. I am still in that process. I want to draw your attention to the value of my commitment to hold space for my agony throughout this extended repetitive process. I've talked about holding space before in the Feeling is Healing Inspiration. When my clients hold space for their feelings, we can then explore possible connections between unhealed wounds and limiting beliefs blocking progress in the present. With this new awareness, the door opens to breaking through the blocks. Are you facing blocks in your life? Would you like to explore the possibility these blocks are connected to unhealed wounds? Are you willing to hold space to feel these wounds? Reach out to me!  I Sought I sought friends Friends surround me I sought relationship Relationship found me I sought love Love becomes me Everyone knows that you must buy at least one ticket to win the lottery, but I have heard many people who never buy tickets tell me what they would do if they won.
Personally, I don't buy lottery tickets because I don't see them as a good investment. I would rather purchase a certainty in the now than a chance in the future. However, there is value in the concept of taking action to bring your dreams into reality. For some, buying a ticket means investing money, for others investing time and effort. Sometimes buying a ticket is as simple as accepting an unexpected opportunity. The most challenging (and rewarding) means is to summon up the courage to disregard the message in your head that says what you want is just not gonna happen. I'll give you examples from recent events in my life. I sought friends Outside my family, I have one friend with whom I spend time regularly. As much as I enjoy her company, I have wanted more friends in my life for some time. When I was working in the corporate world, I developed friendships with coworkers that I wanted to grow beyond the limits of the work day. When I suggested this to my friends, they were too busy to fit time into their schedule, or they expressed interest in the idea, but would not commit to setting a time and place, I have a similar situation at my gym, where I have a wonderful community of friends. Our time together is limited to coincidences of being at the gym at the same time. I asked if they would be interested in getting together outside the gym, but I had no takers. I was frustrated because I didn't know what else to try. Recently, I went to a party where I did not know any other guests. When I asked if I could join a group of guests who were talking animatedly with each other, one of them said yes. I did not see a natural opportunity to join the conversation, so I sat quietly. When a husband and wife couple started collecting their cups and plates, the usual signs of getting ready to leave, I felt disappointed that I had not met them. I felt I was missing an opportunity to possibly meet new friends. They had not spoken to me, and I was hesitant to speak to them because I was thinking something that I often think in similar situations, which is that people who have not talked to me do not want to talk to me. However, I decided to take a chance by introducing myself. I am so glad I did because we had an enjoyable conversation in which we discovered that we had much in common. By the end of the day, I was friends with them on Facebook and invited the wife to get together for lunch. We are having lunch together next weekend! I then introduced myself to other guest at the table who turned out to be relatives of the host of the party. I had a great conversation with them too. This experience built my confidence, so I introduce myself to other guests, to see what other doors of opportunity would open. I met a woman who turned out to be a docent at two local museums. When I told her a friend and I were planning to go to one of these museums this week, she offered to show us around. I took her up on this offer, and the three of us had a wonderful time! We made plans to meet again at the other museum where my friend is a docent. I bought my ticket, I took a chance, and I won! I sought friends, Friends surround me The investment I made was three fold:
I sought relationship As I said earlier, I had reached out to friends at the gym to extend our friendship beyond the gym with no success. Although there were gym community events like happy hour at a bar or a tattoo party, but I didn't feel comfortable in these atmospheres, so I didn't go. I had given up on this endeavor, when I happened to ask one of my gym friends if he had eaten at any of the organic restaurants in town. I had found some online and wondered if he had an opinion on them. He said he didn't know there were any, so I told him the name of one. I got a wonderful surprise! He said he loved that place, and asked if I'd like to go there with him. I accepted, of course! I had lunch with him and his wife, another wonderful gym friend, at the restaurant. We had a great time and are going to other restaurants in the future. I am excited to develop these friendships into relationships beyond the physical space of the gym. I sought relationship Relationship found me I bought my ticket, which was simply to accept the unexpected invitation. I sought love Something else I wanted more of in my life is opportunities to love and be loved. As you may know, I have homeless friends to whom I give money. I wanted to reach them in more ways, so I started bringing them food and hygiene supplies. I sat with them and listened to their stories and their struggles. I made new friends and strengthened existing friendships. I learned that one of my friends was in jail for three months. I wanted to send him something meaningful other than money, so I sent my poem "Touched," in which I mention him by name. You can read this poem in my blog, Choose Who You Want To Be . This was of course the opportunity to love more that I was seeking, but I also received love that I was not expecting. On separate occasions, I ran into two homeless friends I had not seen in months. I was very happy to see them and told them so. They said they were happy to see me too, and much to my surprise, said they had been worried about me because they hadn't seen me for so long. They were worried about me! They, who live day-to-day, hand-to-mouth, were worried about me! I want to reiterate that I ran into these homeless friends, who do not know each other, on separate occasions and separate locations. I am honored by and cherish this unexpected love. I bought my ticket - I loved. I sought love, Love becomes me What dreams you have for your life? What are you willing to invest to bring them into reality? Buy your ticket! As always, I would love to hear your thoughts!  Touched I keep a jar of mayo in my fridge not for sandwiches, but for my homeless friends who wade humbly into lanes of stopped traffic carrying small cardboard signs I am touched by their circumstances, call them over "What's your name," I ask Everyone tells me their name - Ron, Susan, JW, Sara, Donald, Reggie, Dominic, Terry, Daniel… "I'm Joyce," I say as I reach my right arm out to shake hands - hands cut, calloused, cracked, caring, kind With my left, I hand the bill - "I hope this helps you" Sometimes I am rewarded with a hug, a head touch, a kiss - Always, "Thank you," Always, "God bless" - They look at me as if I am an angel and I feel like one - I know I have met God on the street! The mayo is a home remedy for hair-sharing an inconvenience for a night In exchange for heart-sharing, I gladly pay the price I used to be extremely uncomfortable when I saw the ragged people with their cardboard signs walking through stopped traffic. As they approached my car, I squirmed, hoping the light would turn green so I could drive on before they reached me.
I dreaded making eye contact because it was then that I felt most keenly the disparity between the prosperity of my life and the poverty of theirs. I felt guilty because of this disparity. I got past this mental block when I realized that I did not need to feel guilty for the disparity between my prosperity and their poverty. Although I saw the disparity as unjust, I was not responsible for its existence. I chose to become a person who neither accepts responsibility for suffering I did not create, nor turns a blind eye to it. This is my True Self. The foundation principle below captures my transformation: Each moment describes who we are and gives us the opportunity to decide if that's who we want to be. Letting go of the guilt enabled me to look at these human beings on the fringe of society - to make eye contact, to touch and be touched by them. This poem "Touched" describes the many ways and levels at which my homeless friends and I touch each other's lives. I feel emotionally touched: I am touched by their circumstances We give and receive physical and emotional touch : "I'm Joyce," I say as I reach my right arm to shake hands Sometimes I am rewarded with a hug, a head touch, a kiss - We give and receive spiritual touch: They look at me as if I am an angel and I feel like one - I know I have me God on the street! Is there something blocking you from being or even seeing your True Self? Do you have moments when you want to be a different person, but feel trapped by the person you have been? Each moment offers the possibility to change - to see and be your True Self. As always, I love to hear your thoughts!  dont-should-all-over-yourself.html Sin-Sick Soul Sometimes whisper, Sometimes shout Always fear, Always doubt This voice inside I can’t block out To the world I show a face Of confidence, Of poise and grace These things are real, But only part What’s in my soul, What’s in my heart If I don’t edit, They’ll find out Confirm my shame and my doubt Once again I’ll hide my face I’ll be put back in my place Who am I to ask so much? For love, affection, Human touch To happiness I have no right Cease my song - Put out my light Who I am is an offense Is the message I receive Despite opposing evidence, That’s the message I believe Welcome to Journey To Self-Esteem Part 4 - Silencing The Gremlin. If you have not read parts 1, 2, and 3 or would like a refresher, click the links below: Part 1 - Mirror, Mirror On The Wall Part 2 - Self-Discrimination Part 3 - The Things People Say I wrote "Sin-Sick Soul"at a low point in my life - at low point in my self-esteem. I rated myself a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is "I am worthless" and 10 is "I am awesome!"
I was in the shadow's lair. To read more about the self-esteem scale and the shadow's lair, review Part 3-.The Things People Say. I chose "Sin-Sick Soul" for this inspiration to introduce the concept of the gremlin -the inner critic we all have. The title of the poem is inspired by the song Balm in Gilead by Sweet Honey in the rock. I encourage you to listen to it. Below is a brief scenario in which I use a coaching technique designed to coach a client how to silence their gremlin: Coach: “What do you want to work on in the session today?” Client: “I want to work on my discomfort with social relationships. I am anxious about talking to people.” Coach: What do you do when you are presented with the opportunity to go to social events? Client: I avoid them. Coach: “What social experiences have caused anxiety in the past?” Client: “I’ve struggled with having meaningful conversations in social settings. I’m worried that people will criticize what I say.” Coach: “What are you thinking about yourself when you are in social situations?” Client: “Nobody wants to hear what I say.” Coach: “This message comes from your inner critic, also known as a gremlin. How do you feel when you think 'Nobody wants to hear what I say'?" Client: “I feel a lump in my throat and tightness in my stomach.” Coach: “That’s dissonance you feel. The dissonance comes from the gremlin’s battle with your True Self - the part of you that knows the truth.” Client: "What is my True Self?" Coach: "Your True Self is a perfect, powerful, and unique spiritual being. Your True Self is the person you were at your birth. Our gremlin is usually created in childhood to convince us to hide our True Self from others and even our conscious mind. Think back to the first time you heard this gremlin message. What was going on in your life? You don't need to share the memory with me. Just bring it to mind." Client: "OK, I've got it." Coach: "This criticism may serve us in childhood, but hold us back as an adult. For example, your gremlin message that no one wants to hear what you say may have protected you from danger that you were too young to handle. Think back again to the first time you heard the message. How did the gremlin protect or serve you? Again, you do not need to share the specifics with me." Client: "I never thought that this message ever helped me. It just seemed to put me down, but now I do see how it protected me." Coach: "I've written a poem about my gremlin that I would like to share with you. Would you like to hear it?" Client: "Yes." Coach: "The title of the poem is 'Sin-Sick Soul.' The beginning of the poem describes the gremlin message and how I responded to it." To the world I show a face Of confidence, Of poise and grace These things are real, But only part What’s in my soul, What’s in my heart If I don’t edit, They’ll find out Confirm my shame and my doubt Once again I’ll hide my face I’ll be put back in my place Who am I to ask so much? For love, affection, Human touch To happiness I have no right Cease my song - Put out my light Coach: "What are your thoughts about the poem?" Client: "I can relate to it. It describes feelings I haven't been able to put into words." Coach: "Although you no longer need this message to protect you, the gremlin continues to repeat it because the gremlin is stuck in the past. As long as you continue to listen to and act on its message, you will also be stuck in the past. You will discount or discredit all experiences and evidence contrary to the gremlin message. The last part of the poem describes this phenomenon: Who I am is an offense Is the message I receive Despite opposing evidence, That’s the message I believe The way to silence a gremlin is to bring the message into the light to evaluate it objectively to determine if the message is serving you or holding you back. When your thoughts and actions are aligned with your True Self, you will no longer feel a lump in your throat and tightness in my your stomach in social situations. Your body will feel relaxed because you are at peace with yourself" Client: “Do you mean I can choose which voice to listen to and act on?” Coach: “Exactly! Congratulations on gaining this insight! You've just raised your level of consciousness! This doesn't mean you'll never hear the gremlin message again, but you can always silence the message by choosing to listen to the voice of your true self." This concludes this week's inspiration. As always, I would love to hear from you!  We walk the fence of self-esteem our faces toward the sun, but never leaping there It's all we can do to keep our feet on the beam - avoid the shadow's lair Welcome to part 3 of Journey to Self -Esteem - The Things People Say. If you have not read part 1 or part 2 or would like a refresher, click the links below: Part 1 - Mirror , Mirror on the Wall Part 2 - Self-Discrimination I have repeated the explanation of the poem. If you would like to jump right to the new stuff in part 3, click here. In each part of this inspiration, I will address one of the many aspects that affect self-esteem. First I'll explain the untitled poem. Have you heard the saying, "I'm on the fence about this?" Being on the fence refers to choosing not to take a side or stance on an issue or opinion. Getting off the fence would require literally standing on the ground on one side of the fence. Figuratively speaking it means to take a stand by expressing an opinion of support for one of two opposite beliefs. Let's take a look at the first line of the poem. We walk the fence of self-esteem To walk the fence of self-esteem is to be non-committal about our self-worth. If we're on the fence, we don't feel bad about ourselves but we don't feel good about ourselves either. Let's take a look at the second line of the poem. Our faces toward the sun, but never leaping there Have you heard the admonition "Look where you're going!" from someone you've bumped into accidentally because you were looking somewhere other than the direction you were moving. Likewise, it necessary to look where we want to go in order to set off on the journey to get there. In the poem, "pointing our faces toward the sun" means setting our intention to take the journey toward high self-esteem. To leap there is an expression of enthusiasm and commitment to the journey. Never to leap there, to continue to walk the fence, is to enslave ourselves to the world of "yes, but... Let's take a look at the next line of the poem. It's all we can do to keep our feet on the beam A therapist once told me that people usually seek therapy because they are in pain. On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is the most pain imaginable and 10 is happy, many people stay in therapy until they reach a 5 and then quit because they're feeling better. They see the goal of reaching a 10 as either impossible or unnecessary. "The beam" is the top rail of the fence of self-esteem, and to keep our feet on the beam is to settle for a 5 out of 10. Let's look at the last line of the poem. Avoid the shadow's lair. The shadow's lair is that dark place where painful feelings reside unexamined by the light. I am speaking of feelings such as worthlessness, shame, guilt, incompetence, or insignificance. Please add any I haven't listed that come from your experience. If your self-esteem is in the 1 to 4 range, you are in the shadow's lair. Whether you are in the shadow's lair, on the fence with your face toward the sun, or leaping there, I can help you on your journey. Read on! Have you ever been angry and wouldn't let it go even when the issue seemed to be resolved? Did you ever ask yourself what was behind your anger? I don't mean the specific circumstance that sparked your anger. I'm referring to the belief about yourself at the root of it. Well I have, quite recently, and what I discovered is the topic of Journey to Self-Esteem Part 3 - The Things People Say I had been working with a doctor for months to treat insomnia After trying one sleep aid after another to no avail, my doctor enrolled me in a two-week sleep study. I did not sleep at all the first night and I slept only two hours the following morning. The second night I once again did not sleep a wink followed by three hours sleep the next morning. The third night and morning were the same. You can imagine the state of my mental and physical health at this point. I was too tired to drive safely, I couldn't focus my eyes well enough to read, and my abilities to reason and focus my attention were severely curtailed. These effects of sleep deprivation are the reason it has taken me two weeks to write this inspiration. In desperation, I asked my doctor to prescribe a sedative that had previously enabled me to sleep. He refused - said that a pill was not the solution. " Two or three hours a night is ok," he said. "You're fine." I passed a fourth sleepless night. By morning, I was livid. I told my doctor I wanted a different doctor and that I was going to engage a patient advocate to express my dissatisfaction with the treatment I received from him. In a short time I found a new doctor, so the there was really no point in engaging a patient advocate to get better medical treatment from my old doctor, but I wasn't satisfied. I was angry, and I wanted to stay angry. I wanted my old doctor to be reprimanded. I wanted another doctor to state for the record my old doctor was actually harming me by refusing to prescribe a sedative. Now, I am rarely angry, and even more rarely cling to anger when the object of my anger is no longer in my life. My natural curiosity led me to wonder why I was holding on to the anger toward my old doctor. It wasn't to get different medical care - there was something more behind it. One of the great benefits of coaching is that you can learn to coach yourself. Thanks to the great coaching I received from my life coach, I was able to do just that. I recognized that my anger was fueled by level 2 energy. My core thought was conflict, my core emotion was anger, and the result was defiance. I was in a win/lose, right/wrong mindset. If he doesn't give me a sedative, he wins, and I lose. If he isn't reprimanded for refusing to prescribe a sedative, he's right, and I'm wrong. I must win and I must be right! If you would like to read more about level 2 energy, click the links below to my blogs on this subject: I've Seen The World From Both Sides Now Sharing Tree Part 1 I asked myself questions I would ask a client: What does being right mean to me? Answer: Being right means my point of view is valid What does being wrong mean to me? Answer: Being wrong means that my point of view is invalid. What does winning mean to me? Answer: Winning means getting my needs met because they are valid (right). For example, I would win if my old doctor prescribed the sedative because I convinced him that my need for 8 hours sleep per night is valid. I would also win If another doctor supported my claim that I need 8 hours per night and should be given a sedative to ensure this need was met. What does losing mean to me? Answer: Losing means not getting my needs met because they are invalid (wrong). For example, when my doctor said that I was fine and that 3 hours of sleep per night was ok, this meant that my need for 8 hours sleep per night was invalid (wrong). Likewise, if another doctor agreed with my old doctor, I would lose. If I were speaking with a client, I would say, "Talk more about that." Sleep deprivation has been a trigger for me my whole life
When I left the corporate world, the first thing I did was turn off the alarms on my clock radio. I slept until I was rested everyday. I was thrilled to be able to put sleep first without risking that another important need would not be met as a consequence. Now I feel I have to fight to meet my need for sleep. All the solutions available to me no longer work, and the solution that has worked, the sedative, is not available to me. This situation took me back to all the times when I had to sacrifice sleep to fulfill a duty or meet another's expectation. I once again heard the message that my needs are invalid - not worthy of attention. I couldn't tell you where I was on the self-esteem scale from 1 to 10, where 1 is "I am worthless," and 10 is "I am awesome," because I was waiting for someone else to tell me what to think. When my old doctor denied my claim that I need 8 hours of sleep per night, I was at about a 2 on the self-esteem scale. When I thought about a new doctor supporting my point of view, I was at a 9. When I thought of my old doctor being reprimanded for poor treatment of me, I was at a 10. "Hmm...," I thought. "Things people say strongly impact my self-esteem - especially things people in positions of authority say, and especially about aspects of myself I have been insecure about all my life." It's time for me to decide what to think of myself independent of what others say. I don't need to defer to others' opinions to decide what to think of myself, and I don't need others' opinions to support my self-esteem. I like support and affirmation. Who doesn't? But, I know who I am and what I'm worth because I'm the expert on me. Let me get on that scale again - 10! As always, I love to hear your thoughts! Want to continue the journey? Read Part 4 - Silencing the Gremlin Want to receive weekly inspirations like this in your inbox?
|
AuthorJoyce Collins is a life coach who specializes in helping women who were sexually abused as a child to transform themselves into confident women who love themselves and lead fulfilling lives. Archives
December 2019
Categories
All
|
RSS Feed