​Many I's In Me

I tremble as Older reveals her mystery -
There are many I's in me -
All beholder and what I see
May none of them be the judge of me

I focus my coaching on women who were sexually abused as children.

In this vein, I have chosen a poem about a powerful insight into my own journey.

Let's take a look at the first two lines of the poem:

I tremble as Older reveals her mystery -
There are many I's in me

When my repressed memories of incest surfaced at age 37, I became aware that there were two parts of the self I know as me - two I's in me. One was the subconscious part of me that experienced the trauma, and the other was part of me that split off so I could survive to adulthood.

In time, I became aware of other I's in me, each formed in a different stage of my physical, cognitive, and emotional development. For example:

I, the young child endured the violations by clenching teeth, tensing every muscle, and curling up desperately in a fetal position. I now wake from deep sleep furiously kicking away the sadistic monster of a father in my dreams.

I, the early adolescent, now believing that sex is love, embraced that same father as a lover.

I, the young adult, invested body, mind, and spirit in every chance of a romantic relationship, subjecting all the other I's in me to repeated emotional devastation. (You can learn more about the mindset of the young adult me in my The One blog post.)

Seventeen years ago, I, the mid-life adult, judged this passion for romance to be the cause of all my suffering, locked it in a steel box. and threw away the key. (For the story of the straw that broke the camel's back, read my Insight To Opportunities blog post.)

All of the I's in me have lived peacefully and happily ever since - until recently,

A newcomer, I, the second-half-of-life adult, has found the key to the lock box and is circulating a petition for clemency, which as you might imagine, is  seriously rocking my boat.

All these I's in me are aware of each other, which is what I mean by this line:

All beholder and what I see

Each also judges the others through the lens of their unique perspective  This is the meaning of the last line:

May none of them be the judge of me

For example, the young child me judges my adolescent self for embracing my father as a lover because, from her perspective, it is a heinous betrayal. 

This judgment is founded in the belief that if I had not had a sexual awakening, better still, if I had not been a sexual being, I would not have abandoned the few defenses available to me, most importantly, the will to say, "No!" with every ounce of my mind and body.

My poem "Puberty For Me" describes the experience of losing that will:

Puberty For Me

All my defenses -
       All my clenched teeth,
       All my tightened muscles,
       My fetal position cling

Opened with a string

If I were coaching a client on releasing judgment, I would ask, "How does this judgment benefit you?"

The simple answer to this question for me is that the judgment of my adolescent self as a traitor allows me to avoid feeling powerless.

I would rather endure life-long hatred of my adolescent self than accept that I was powerless against a predator who knew full well how to manipulate my sexual awakening to his advantage.

To do so would allow the horror of the powerlessness to come to the surface. I would have to feel it consciously.

In all my experience, nothing has felt worse than powerlessness in the face of violation, and its remembrance is always  at least partially obscured by the fantasy of going back in time and changing the circumstances.

My poem "Powerless" captures this best.

Powerless

There are no tears for the crying inside
No screams for the too terrified
No blows for rage trapped in mind prisons
No trip back in time to turn tables on these visions

I have spoken in my Feeling Is Healing blog post about the power and importance of holding space for emotions. When I experienced the powerlessness as a child, it was too much for me. My mind exploded, and I left consciousness.

I was not able to hold space for the feeling then, but that is what I must do as an adult in order to move forward.

And so I set my intent  and asked for the spiritual support to find the courage to move forward - the courage to feel.

The night I made this commitment to myself, I could not sleep. I was anxious without knowing why, and no attempt at relaxation worked. The next day I was nauseous and of course very tired. I laid down to take a nap.

Again, sleep did not come, but the feelings came - came like a flood. There was no question of holding space for them because they filled all space, all sense, all being.

I tell you the experience was so intensely painful that I wished I were dead.

When the pain ended, I was physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually exhausted... and yet ... glad to be alive...  and free of fear.

My passion now is to help other women who were sexually abused as children. I want my pain, my struggle. my insights, my training, and my poetry to serve as channels of empowerment for other women walking this path.. 

The pursuit of pleasure is not enough to make my life worth living
Absent service, there is no purpose - my heart is empty without giving

Continue to Part 2 - From Surviving to Thriving!

I began healing from sexual abuse when my repressed memories surfaced in 2004. For over two years I was in an iterative process of healing.

The iterations consisted of recovering deeper and deeper memories, processing the memories, and grieving for the child I was.

In the poem I call this process a progressive probing hex ,

The first step of allowing myself to experience the memory was the most painful, which is why I say The first step is agony. 

After this first step, I was able to emotionally come up for air briefly, which is what I mean by followed by a rest.

Then, the next iteration would begin. Each iteration yielded a small degree of healing and reduction in pain.

Successive steps improve by the Delta -

To explain this stanza, I will teach you some math.

In mathematical terms, Delta, symbolized by Δ, means a change in a quantity. The quantity in the poem is the agony of the healing process - the progressive probing hex. With each iteration, the amount of agony decreases, which I consider an improvement.

Let's look at the last line:

Agony minus x

An amount that varies is represented by a letter, most often the letter x. The "x" in the  poem represents the amount of the improvement, which varies depending on how much healing has occurred in an iteration.

In 2009 I published The Way of Reckoning, a poetry book about the experience of remembering and healing from the abuse.
At the end of the introduction to this book I wrote, "If you have not experienced sexual abuse, I offer this book as insight into the mind and soul of someone who has walked that path and come out on the other side."

I laugh at this now because since then, I have repeated the cycle I experienced in 2004 several times. Each time I was less debilitated than before and recovered more quickly, but I was not completely through the healing process. I am still in that process.

I want to draw your attention to the value of my commitment to hold space for my agony throughout this extended repetitive process. I've talked about holding space before in the Feeling is Healing Inspiration.

When my clients hold space for their feelings, we can then explore possible connections between unhealed wounds and limiting beliefs blocking progress in the present. With this new awareness, the door opens to breaking through the blocks. 

Are you facing blocks in your life?

Would you like to explore the possibility these blocks are connected to unhealed wounds?

Are you willing to hold space to feel these wounds?

Reach out to me!
​

​Everyone knows that you must buy at least one ticket to win the lottery, but I have heard many people who never buy tickets tell me what they would do if they won.

Personally, I don't buy lottery tickets because I don't see them as a good investment. I would rather purchase a certainty in the now than a chance in the future. However, there is value in the concept of taking action to bring your dreams into reality.

For some, buying a ticket means investing money, for others investing time and effort. Sometimes buying a ticket is as simple as accepting an unexpected opportunity. The most challenging (and rewarding) means is to  summon up the courage to disregard the message in your head that says what you want is just not gonna happen.

I'll give you examples from recent events in my life.

I sought friends
Outside my family, I have one friend with whom I spend time regularly. As much as I enjoy her company, I have wanted more friends in my life for some time.

When I was working in the corporate world, I developed friendships with coworkers that I wanted to grow beyond the limits of the work day. When I suggested this to my friends, they were too busy to fit time into their schedule, or they expressed interest in the idea, but would not commit to setting a time and place,

I have a similar situation at my gym, where I have a wonderful community of friends. Our time together is limited to coincidences of being at the gym at the same time. I asked if they would be interested in getting together outside the gym, but I had no takers.

I was frustrated because I didn't know what else to try. 

Recently, I went to a party where I did not know any other guests.  When I asked if I could join a group of guests who were talking animatedly with each other, one of them said yes. I did not see a natural opportunity to join the conversation, so I sat quietly.

When a husband and wife couple started  collecting their cups and plates, the usual signs  of getting ready to leave, I felt disappointed that I had not met them.  I felt I was missing an opportunity to possibly meet new friends. They had not spoken to me, and  I was hesitant to speak to them because I was thinking something that I often think in similar situations, which is that people who have not talked to me do not want to talk to me.

However, I decided to  take a chance by introducing myself. I am so glad I did because we had an enjoyable conversation in which we discovered that we had much in common. By the end of the day, I was friends with them on Facebook and invited the wife to get together for lunch. We are having lunch together next weekend!

I then introduced myself to other guest at the table who turned out to be relatives of the host of the party. I had a great conversation with them too.

This experience built my confidence, so I introduce myself to other guests, to see what other doors of opportunity would open.

I met a woman who turned out to be a docent at two local museums. When I told her a friend and I were planning to go to one of these museums this week, she offered to show us around. I took her up on this offer, and the three of us had a wonderful time!  We made plans to meet again at the other museum where my friend is a docent.

I bought my ticket, I took a chance, and I won!

I sought friends,
Friends surround me

The investment I made was three fold:

• Effort to go to the party
• Effort to ask to join a group of guests
• Courage to ignore the discouraging thought that the people I wanted to meet didn't want to meet me

I sought relationship
As I said earlier, I had reached out to friends at the gym to extend our friendship beyond the gym with no success. Although there were gym community events like happy hour at a bar or a tattoo party, but I didn't feel comfortable in these atmospheres, so I didn't go.

I had given up on this endeavor, when I happened to ask one of my gym friends if he had eaten at any of the organic restaurants in town. I had found some online and wondered if he had an opinion on them.
He said he didn't know there were any, so I told him the name of one.

I got a wonderful surprise! He said he loved that place, and asked if I'd like to go there with him. I accepted, of course!

I had lunch with him and his wife, another wonderful gym friend, at the restaurant. We had a great time and are going to other restaurants in the future. I am excited to develop these friendships into relationships beyond the physical space of the gym.

I sought relationship
Relationship found me

I bought my ticket, which was simply to accept the unexpected invitation.

I sought love
Something else I wanted more of in my life is opportunities to love and be loved. As you may know, I have homeless friends to whom I give money. I wanted to reach them in more ways, so I started bringing them food and hygiene supplies. I sat with them and listened to their stories and their struggles. I made new friends and strengthened existing friendships.

I learned that one of my friends was in jail for three months. I wanted to send him something meaningful other than money, so I sent my poem "Touched," in which I mention him by name. You can read this poem in my blog,  Choose Who You Want To Be .

This was of course the opportunity to love more that I was seeking, but I also received love that I was not expecting.

On separate occasions, I ran into two homeless friends I had not seen in months. I was very happy to see them and told them so. They said they were happy to see me too, and much to my surprise, said they had been worried about me because they hadn't seen me for so long.

They were worried about me!

They, who live day-to-day, hand-to-mouth, were worried about me!

I want to reiterate that I ran into these homeless friends, who do not know each other, on separate occasions and separate locations.

I am honored by and cherish this unexpected love.

I bought my ticket - I loved.

I sought love,
Love becomes me

What dreams you have for your life?

What are you willing to invest to bring them into reality?

Buy your ticket!

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts!

Sin-Sick Soul
​
Sometimes whisper, Sometimes shout
Always fear, Always doubt
This voice inside I can’t block out
 
To the world I show a face 
Of confidence, Of poise and grace
These things are real, But only part
What’s in my soul, What’s in my heart
 
If I don’t edit, They’ll find out
Confirm my shame and my doubt
Once again I’ll hide my face
I’ll be put back in my place
 
Who am I to ask so much?
For love, affection, Human touch
To happiness I have no right
Cease my song - Put out my light
 
Who I am is an offense
Is the message I receive
Despite opposing evidence,
That’s the message I believe

Welcome to part 3 of Journey to Self -Esteem - The Things People Say.

If you have not read part 1 or part 2 or would like a refresher, click the links below:
Part 1 - Mirror , Mirror on the Wall
Part 2 - Self-Discrimination

I have repeated the explanation of the poem.

If you would like to jump right to the new stuff in part 3, click here.

In each part of this inspiration, I will address one of the many aspects that affect self-esteem.

First I'll explain the untitled poem.

Have you heard the saying, "I'm on the fence about this?"

Being on the fence refers to choosing not to take a side or stance on an issue or opinion. Getting off the fence would require literally standing on the ground on one side of the fence.  Figuratively speaking it means to take a stand by expressing an opinion of support for one of two opposite beliefs.

Let's take a look at the first line of the poem.

We walk the fence of self-esteem

To walk the fence of self-esteem is to be non-committal about our self-worth.
If we're on the fence, we don't feel bad about ourselves but we don't feel good about ourselves either.

Let's take a look at the second line of the poem.

Our faces toward the sun, but never leaping there

Have you heard the admonition "Look where you're going!" from someone you've bumped into accidentally because you were looking somewhere other than the direction you were moving. 

Likewise, it necessary to look where we want to go in order to set off on the journey to get there.

In the poem, "pointing our faces toward the sun" means setting our intention to take the journey toward high self-esteem. To leap there is an expression of enthusiasm and commitment to the journey. Never to leap there, to continue to walk the fence, is to enslave  ourselves to the world of "yes, but...

Let's take a look at the next line of the poem.

It's all we can do to keep our feet on the beam

A therapist once told me that people usually seek therapy because they are in pain. On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is the most pain imaginable and 10 is happy, many people stay in therapy until they reach a 5 and then quit because they're feeling better. They see the goal of reaching a 10 as either impossible or unnecessary.

"The beam" is the top rail of the fence of self-esteem, and to keep our feet on the beam is to settle for a 5 out of 10.

Let's look at the last line of the poem.

Avoid the shadow's lair.

The shadow's lair is that dark place where painful feelings reside unexamined by the light. I am speaking of feelings such as worthlessness, shame, guilt, incompetence, or insignificance.
Please add any I haven't listed that come from your experience. 

If your self-esteem is in the 1 to 4 range, you are in the shadow's lair.


Whether you are in the shadow's lair, on the fence with your face toward the sun, or leaping there, I can help you on your journey.

Read on!



Have you ever been angry and wouldn't let it go even when the issue seemed to be resolved?

Did you ever ask yourself what was behind your anger?
I don't mean the specific circumstance that sparked your anger.
I'm referring to the belief about yourself at the root of it.

Well I have, quite recently, and what I discovered is the topic of Journey to Self-Esteem Part 3 - The Things People Say 

I had been working with a doctor for months to treat insomnia After trying one sleep aid after another to no avail, my doctor enrolled me in a two-week sleep study.

I did not sleep at all the first night and I slept only two hours the following morning. The second night I once again did not sleep a wink followed by three hours sleep the next morning. The third night and morning were the same.

You can imagine the state of my mental and physical health at this point. I was too tired to drive safely, I couldn't focus my eyes well enough to read, and my abilities to reason and focus my attention were severely curtailed. These effects of sleep deprivation are the reason it has taken me two weeks to write this inspiration.

In desperation, I asked my doctor to prescribe a sedative that had previously enabled me to sleep. He refused - said that a pill was not the solution. 

" Two or three hours a night is ok," he said. "You're fine."

I passed a fourth sleepless night. By morning, I was livid.

I told my doctor I wanted a different doctor and that I was going to engage a patient advocate to express my dissatisfaction with the treatment I received from him.

In a short time I found a new doctor, so the there was really no point in engaging a patient advocate to get better medical treatment from my old doctor, but I wasn't satisfied.

I was angry, and I wanted to stay angry. I wanted my old doctor  to be reprimanded. I wanted another doctor to state for the record my old doctor was actually harming me by refusing to prescribe a sedative. 

Now, I am rarely angry, and even more rarely cling to anger when the object of my anger is no longer in my life.

My natural curiosity led me to wonder why I was holding on to the anger toward my old doctor. It wasn't to get different medical care - there was something more behind it. 

One of the great benefits of coaching is that you can learn to coach yourself. Thanks to the great coaching I received from my life coach, I was able to do just that.

I recognized that my anger was fueled by level 2 energy.

My core thought was conflict, my core emotion was anger, and the result was defiance.

I was in a win/lose, right/wrong mindset.
If he doesn't give me a sedative, he wins, and I lose.
If he isn't reprimanded for refusing to prescribe a sedative, he's right, and I'm wrong.

I must win and I must be right!

If you would like to read more about level 2 energy, click the links below to my blogs on this subject:

I've Seen The World From Both Sides Now
Sharing Tree Part 1

I asked myself questions I would ask a client:

What does being right mean to me?
Answer: Being right means my point of view is valid

What does being wrong mean to me?
Answer: Being wrong means that my point of view is invalid.

What does winning mean to me?
Answer: Winning means getting my needs met because they are valid (right). For example, I would win if my old doctor prescribed the sedative because I convinced him that my need for 8 hours sleep per night is valid.
I would also win If another doctor supported my claim that I need 8 hours per night and should be given a sedative to ensure this need was met.

What does losing mean to me?
Answer: Losing means not getting my needs met because they are invalid (wrong). For example, when my doctor said that I was fine and that 3 hours of sleep per night was ok, this meant that my need for 8 hours sleep per night was invalid (wrong).
Likewise, if another doctor agreed with my old doctor, I would lose. 

If I were speaking with a client, I would say, "Talk more about that."

Sleep deprivation has been a trigger for me my whole life

• My father attacked me almost always at night, which added the trauma of sleep deprivation to the trauma of the abuse.
• In the military, getting enough sleep was secondary to completing the mission.
• In graduate school, getting enough sleep was secondary to studying and completing assignments on time.
• In the teaching world, getting enough sleep was secondary to teaching classes on time.
• In the corporate world, getting enough sleep was secondary to meeting deadlines and putting in a minimum number of work hours.

When I left the corporate world, the first thing I did was turn off the alarms on my clock radio. I slept until I was rested everyday. I was thrilled to be able to put sleep first without risking that another important need would not be met as a consequence.

Now I feel I have to fight to meet my need for sleep.  All the solutions available to me no longer work, and the solution that has worked, the sedative, is not available to me.
This situation took me back to all the times when I had to sacrifice sleep to fulfill a duty or meet another's expectation.

I once again heard the message that my needs are invalid - not worthy of attention.

I couldn't tell you where I was on the self-esteem scale from 1 to 10, where 1 is "I am worthless," and 10 is "I am awesome," because I was waiting for someone else to tell me what to think.

When my old doctor denied my claim that I need 8 hours of sleep per night, I was at about a 2 on the self-esteem scale. When I thought about a new doctor supporting my point of view, I was at a 9.
When I thought of my old doctor being reprimanded for poor treatment of me, I was at a 10.

"Hmm...," I thought. "Things people say strongly impact my self-esteem - especially things people in positions of authority say, and especially about aspects of myself I have been insecure about all my life."

It's time for me to decide what to think of myself independent of what others say. I don't need to defer to others' opinions to decide what to think of myself, and I don't need others' opinions to support my self-esteem.

I like support and affirmation. Who doesn't?
But, I know who I am and what I'm worth because I'm the expert on me.

Let me get on that scale again - 10! 

As always, I love to hear your thoughts!

Want to continue the journey? Read Part 4 - Silencing the Gremlin

We walk the fence of self-esteem
our faces toward the sun, but never leaping there
It's all we can do to keep our feet on the beam -
avoid the shadow's lair

Welcome to part 2 of Journey to Self -Esteem - Self-Discrimination
In each part of my Journey to Self-Esteem inspiration, I will address one of the many aspects that affect self-esteem.
​
If you have not read part 1 or would like a refresher, click here

I have repeated the explanation of the poem from part 1.

If you would like to jump right to the new stuff in part 2, click the button below.

First I'll explain the untitled poem.

Have you heard the saying, "I'm on the fence about this?"

Being on the fence refers to choosing not to take a side or stance on an issue or opinion. Getting off the fence would require literally standing on the ground on one side of the fence.  Figuratively speaking it means to take a stand by expressing an opinion of support for one of two opposite beliefs.

Let's take a look at the first line of the poem.

We walk the fence of self-esteem

To walk the fence of self-esteem is to be non-committal about our self-worth.
If we're on the fence, we don't feel bad about ourselves but we don't feel good about ourselves either.

Let's take a look at the second line of the poem.

Our faces toward the sun, but never leaping there

Have you heard the admonition "Look where you're going!" from someone you've bumped into accidentally because you were looking somewhere other than the direction you were moving. 

Likewise, it necessary to look where we want to go in order to set off on the journey to get there.

In the poem, "pointing our faces toward the sun" means setting our intention to take the journey toward high self-esteem. To leap there is an expression of enthusiasm and commitment to the journey. Never to leap there, to continue to walk the fence, is to enslave  ourselves to the world of "yes, but...

Let's take a look at the next line of the poem.

It's all we can do to keep our feet on the beam

A therapist once told me that people usually seek therapy because they are in pain. On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is the most pain imaginable and 10 is happy, many people stay in therapy until they reach a 5 and then quit because they're feeling better. They see the goal of reaching a 10 as either impossible or unnecessary.

"The beam" is the top rail of the fence of self-esteem, and to keep our feet on the beam is to settle for a 5 out of 10.

Let's look at the last line of the poem.

Avoid the shadow's lair.

The shadow's lair is that dark place where painful feelings reside unexamined by the light. I am speaking of feelings such as worthlessness, shame, guilt, incompetence, or insignificance.
Please add any I haven't listed that come from your experience. 

If your self-esteem is in the 1 to 4 range, you are in the shadow's lair.


Whether you are in the shadow's lair, on the fence with your face toward the sun, or leaping there, I can help you on your journey.

​

Part 2 - Self-Discrimination is about the effect on self-esteem of judging ourselves as deficient - there is something "wrong" with us.  

I'm going to share some personal stories of my own to illustrate this effect.

If you have met me more than once, you would probably noticed not only that I have acne, but that I have sores from picking at it. This comes from the message I tell myself that I must have smooth skin. I feel compelled to pick at bumps of any kind anywhere. I've had acne since I was 12 and I am now 51, so my finger nails have excoriated skin for almost 40 years. Many times I've asked myself what is behind this compulsion.

The answer was always, "I don't know," and I didn't pursue the matter further until recently. Three events occurred, which changed my mind about just accepting my self-destructive behavior.

First event: I was lying in bed one night picking at my skin as usual and my cat Michaelangelo jumped on my chest and gave me the look that I recognized as "pet me!"  I pet him for a second or two and went back to picking at my skin. Occasionally I would pet him again briefly and return to picking my skin.

Suddenly it dawned on me that I was choosing to criticize myself by "fixing what was wrong with me" instead of giving and receiving love with Michaelangelo.

I thought  to myself, "At the end of my life, I will not give a rat's ass how smooth my skin was, but I will be very upset with myself for passing up opportunities to share in love because that is all that matters."  I got up, put band aids on my sores so I could not pick at them, and went back to petting Michaelangelo.


When I woke in the morning, I did what I always do first thing, which is to look at my face in the mirror to inspect the state of my skin. I wanted to see how the sores I had made smooth the previous day looked and pick at them again if necessary. When I saw the band aids, I remembered my experience of the night before and my decision to choose love instead of self-deprecation. 

I left the band aids on for two days. Then, I couldn't stand it anymore. I took the band aids off and resumed to my usual behavior.

Second event: That night, I was sitting in the tub when I felt the familiar urge to pick at my skin, but this time I did something different. I asked the question again of why I must have smooth skin. I got the usual answer, "I don't know," but I didn't accept that answer this time. I committed to not acting on the compulsion until I knew the reason behind it. Immediately, a powerful knot formed in my throat and felt panic. 

Many long hours of this feeling ensued and at the end of it, I had my answer - the acne symbolized something I believed was fundamentally "wrong with me," something I needed to fix by scraping the evidence off my skin. 

Third event: I listened to one of Wayne Dyer's presentations, in which he spoke about the mindset  of "I am deficient." He said that people with this mindset focus on "fixing" themselves, and recognized myself in this mindset because I was trying to "fix" my skin - to make it smooth enough - and, in so doing, fix my deficiency.

A typical thought of someone in the "I am deficient" mindset is "I am not enough," for example: 

I am not <desired characteristic> enough.
Some sample desired characteristics:

• good
• smart
• worthy
• well off

In what way do you believe you are not enough?

Another typical thought of someone in the "I am deficient" mindset is "I am too much," for example: 

I am too <undesired characteristic>.

Some sample undesired characteristics:

• Dramatic
• Disorganized
• Plain
• Short

In what way do you believe you are too much?


Wayne Dyer also said that people with the "I am deficient." mindset never have enough of what they believe will fix their deficiency, and because of this, they are never happy.
I've found this to be true in my experience of picking at my skin. I've been trying to fix my deficiency for 40 years without success!  

My skin kept breaking out, and I kept picking at it in a never-ending cycle.  I was practicing self-discrimination - eliminating what, in my mind, shouldn't be included in the community of "me."

I have now consciously embraced the aspect of myself that I tried to cut out and scrape off.  I have not picked at my skin for two days - I am two days "clean." My acne has cleared up, undoubtedly because I left it alone to heal naturally.

Will my skin break out again, and will I pick at it? 

I may find another bump, and I may or may not find it offensive to my self-image. If I do, I will talk it through with all of me.

As always, I love to hear your thoughts!

​Want to continue the journey? Read Part 3 - The Things People Say

When I read this book as a young child, I came to three conclusions that shaped my life well into adulthood.

1. Loving means giving without receiving regardless of the cost to me.
2. I can make someone happy by giving to them without receiving regardless of the cost to me.
3. I will be happy if I give without receiving regardless of the cost to me. 

What does loving mean to you?

What do you believe about giving and receiving?

What do you think about the idea that a person can make someone else happy?


In Part 1, I explored these questions from the perspective of the Giving Tree as she responds to the boy's request for money in the different mindsets of the first catabolic (destructive) Core Energy levels, level 1 and level 2.

In Part 2, I explored the same questions from the perspective of the Giving Tree as she responds to the boy's request for money in the different mindsets of the first two anabolic (constructive) Core Energy levels - level 3 and level 4. 

I am touching lightly on the concepts of catabolic and anabolic energy here, defining them as destructive and constructive respectively. For an in depth discussion and examples of catabolic and anabolic energy, read my I've Seen The World From Both Sides Now blog. ​

​In part 3 I explore the same questions from the perspective of the Giving Tree as she responds to the boy's request for money in the mindset of the third anabolic Core Energy level - level 5.
I have an idea that will benefit both of us. I need half of my apples to reproduce the number trees I want. I would give you the other half my apples to sell. In exchange for my apples you would feed me enough tree food to grow more apples than I gave you.

The core thought at level 5 is reconciliation, which might  show up like this:

 There's nothing wrong with your perspective or mine. They are just different.

The core emotion is peace, which might show up like this: 

 I'm at peace with myself and my life.

The result of level 5 core thought and core emotion is acceptance, which might show up like this:

 It's ok that we want different things. This doesn't have to be a win/lose situation. Let's come up with a win/win option where we both get what we want.

Where do you see level 5 core characteristics in the tree's response?

How does level 5 energy show up for you?

Q&A
How does a person in the level 5 energy mindset see love?

Love means accepting a person as they are without judgment, and without trying to change them.

What does a person in the level 5 energy mindset believe about giving and receiving?

Both giving and receiving are important.
I am interested only in relationships with an equal exchange of giving and receiving. 

What does a person in the level 5 energy mindset think about the idea that a person can make someone else happy?

Happiness comes from within.
Now that you're familiar with energy levels 1 through 5, think about the relationship between the boy and the Giving Tree.

What is the Giving Tree's energy level in the poem?


If you said level 4, you are right!

The tree is concerned that the boy isn't happy, has  compassion for  his suffering, and serves him by giving of herself to her own detriment.

How would things be different it if were a sharing tree?

There would be both give and take in the relationship. It would be a win/win relationship.

There are two higher levels of core energy, but I will tell you about them in another inspiration. Five levels are enough for now.



What insights into yourself have you gained from the Sharing Tree inspiration?


How might these insights improve you relationships, both with yourself and others?
 
If you would like to know more about Core Energy and find out how your energy is distributed let me know. I offer an assessment that does that.and more.
 
I've shown you how someone in the mindset of each energy level would think and behave, but this is a simplification of something quite complex. 

Your Core Energy is almost always distributed across multiple energy levels in percentages. When I was in coach training I took an assessment that measured my Core Energy distribution under normal everyday experiences and also when I am under unusual stress.

The chart below shows my Core Energy distribution under normal circumstances at the time I took the assessment. 

​Sharing Tree

The Giving Tree I thought was good
Now I see unhealthy wood
It gave of self in rarest form
yet reaped no love in return
It gave and gave 'till none was left
save a stump - its one last gift
So when comes the very last page
the boy is old and tired with age
And still the boy does not see
the value of the Giving Tree
Despite the tree's steadfast will
the boy is old and unhappy still
I wonder would things different be
if it had been a sharing tree

Welcome to Part 2 of the Sharing Tree Inspiration!

If you have not read Part 1 or would like to refresh your memory, click here.

This poem is about the book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. If you are not familiar with the book, I encourage you to take five minutes to read it online via this PDF.  which has the full text and illustrations.

For my readers who do not want to read the whole story, I have written the summary below of the parts of the story relevant to this inspiration:

A little boy loves an apple tree, which he climbs and plays in every day, and the tree loves the boy. As the boy ages, he loses interest in climbing the tree and often leaves the tree alone for long periods of time. The tree misses the boy terribly.

One day the boy comes to the tree to ask for money, and the tree offer's the boy her apples to sell so he can get money and be happy. The boy takes the apples without thanking the tree and goes away for a long time. The tree is sad again.

This boy comes to the tree between long intervals throughout his life. Each time he requests the tree to give him something else, and tree does so at her own expense.

In addition to giving the boy her apples, the tree gives him her branches and then her trunk, until all that is left of her is a stump, which she also gives to him, hence the nameThe Giving Tree. 

The Giving Tree is happy every time she sacrifices part of herself for the boy because she thinks the sacrifices make him happy, and that's all that matters to her.

At the end of the book, when the Giving Tree has given literally all of herself to make the boy happy, he is still not happy.
​

When I read this book as a young child, I came to three conclusions that shaped my life well into adulthood.

1. Loving means giving without receiving regardless of the cost to me.
2. I can make someone happy by giving to them without receiving regardless of the cost to me.
3. I will be happy if I give without receiving regardless of the cost to me. 

What does loving mean to you?

What do you believe about giving and receiving?

What do you think about the idea that a person can make someone else happy?


In Part 1, I explored these questions from the perspective of the Giving Tree as she responds to the boy's request for money in the different mindsets of the first catabolic (destructive) Core Energy levels, level 1 and level 2.

For Part 2, I will explore the same questions from the perspective of the Giving Tree as she responds to the boy's request for money in the different mindsets of the first two anabolic (constructive) Core Energy levels - level 3 and level 4. 

​​I am touching lightly on the concepts of catabolic and anabolic energy here, defining them as destructive and constructive respectively. For an in depth discussion and examples of catabolic and anabolic energy, read my I've Seen The World From Both Sides Now blog. 

​Sharing Tree

The Giving Tree I thought was good
Now I see unhealthy wood
It gave of self in rarest form
yet reaped no love in return
It gave and gave 'till none was left
save a stump - its one last gift
So when comes the very last page
the boy is old and tired with age
And still the boy does not see
the value of the Giving Tree
Despite the tree's steadfast will
the boy is old and unhappy still
I wonder would things different be
if it had been a sharing tree

When I read this book as a young child, I came to three conclusions that shaped my life well into adulthood.

1. Loving means giving without receiving regardless of the cost to me.
2. I can make someone happy by giving to them without receiving regardless of the cost to me.
3. I will be happy if I give without receiving regardless of the cost to me. 

What does loving mean to you?

What do you believe about giving and receiving?

What do you think about the idea that a person can make someone else happy?


I want to explore these questions from the perspective of the Giving Tree as she responds to the boy's request for money in the different mindsets of the catabolic Core Energy levels - one and two. ​

​I am touching lightly on the concepts of catabolic and anabolic energy here, defining them as destructive and constructive respectively. For an in depth discussion and examples of catabolic and anabolic energy, read my I've Seen The World From Both Sides Now blog. 

I introduced the core energy concept, levels of energy, and the Energetic Self Perception Chart in the You Are What You Speak blog  where we explored Core Energy level 1.   

Let's look at the tree's response from a level 1 mindset.

I can't help you. I have nothing to offer. I am worthless.


The core thought at level 1 is victim, which might show up like this:

I am a powerless victim of circumstance.

The core emotion is apathy, which might show up like this:

I can't make the situation any better, so there's no point in trying.

The result of level 1 core thought and core emotion is lethargy, which might show up like this:

I just don't have the energy to do anything.


Where do you see level 1 characteristics in the tree's response?


How does level 1 energy show up for you?

 
 
Q&A
What does loving mean to a person in the level 1 energy mindset?

I cannot experience love because I am not lovable.
My  love is worthless because I have nothing of value to offer.

What does a person in the level 1 energy mindset believe about giving and receiving?

Receiving is everything. I cannot afford to give because my needs are too great.

What does a person in the level 1 energy mindset think about the idea that a person can make someone else happy?

I need someone else to make me happy. I can't make anyone  happy.

​Let's look at the tree's response from a level 2 mindset.

You've got a lot of nerve asking me for help when you left me alone for so long without so much as a thank you for all I've done for you. I suppose you want to get money by selling my apples! Not a chance! Get a job, and don't even think of taking my apples! If you try, I will smack you with my branches! 
I introduced core energy level 2 in my I've Seen The World From Both Sides Now blog.

The core thought at level 2 is conflict, which might show up like this:

I'm right and you're wrong.

The core emotion is anger, which might show up like this: 

People waste my time bringing me their problems when they should fix it themselves.

People try to take advantage of me.

Nobody appreciates what I do.

The result of level 2 core thought and core emotion is defiance, which might show up like this:

I'm not going to do it, and you can't make me!

Where do you see level 2 core characteristics in the tree's response?


How does level 2 energy show up for you?


Q&A
What does loving mean to a person in the level 2 energy mindset?

When someone tells me they love me I don't believe them. Saying "I love you" is just an manipulation - a way to get me to let my guard down so they can take advantage of me.

What does a person in the level 2 energy mindset believe about giving and receiving?

I deserve to receive more than I do because I do all the work.
I give to people who meet my expectations.

What does a person in the level 2 energy mindset think about the idea that a person can make someone else happy?

People make me happy when they meet my expectations and show appreciation for my effort.

I'm not interested in making other people happy.

This wounded child of mine refers to my inner child - the part of me that was carrying old pain I hadn't dealt with. She was all-consuming, calling constantly and loudly for my attention. I chose not to listen because I did not want to feel pain.  

I tried rationalizing that there was no reason for me to be in pain now because I was out of the situation that caused the pain. Nothing is as it was. There's no reason for the pain. This argument did not hold water with my inner child - she was deaf to me.

I still did not listen. I wanted to feel happy, so I dedicated my attention to finding The One.

I thought I had found The One 10 times. Each time, I tried to inspire love by handing over an emotional blank check, believing I would receive happiness in return.

Each relationship ended in devastation from being rejected. I believed that what I had to offer was not enough to inspire the love I longed for, so I did not deserve it.  

I am sure you will not be surprised to learn that I was often in the grips of a depression, which grew deeper with each failed attempt to find The One. 

I eventually came to the conclusion that The One does not exist.

This new belief opened my mind to looking elsewhere for happiness.

I began to pay attention to inner child, who had never stopped calling me inward. I finally yielded. I surrendered my abject determination to  avoid pain  I bridged the gap between us.  I listened to her story and felt her pain - my pain.

The pain was all-consuming as I feared it would be, but feeling it, holding space for it, showed me I could heal my hurt myself. ​

In
 
I never thought to live in my house,
To renovate the rooms
I only sought to get out -
To live in something new
 
 
Ten times I left, Ten times I built
That house again the same
From breakfast nook to ceiling fan
From brick to window pane
 
 
In my rage I tore it down -
Stripped in to the frame
And in the end found myself out
Through a door that opened in

Have you heard of survivor guilt?

I'll give you a high-level explanation.

People who survived situations in which others died sometimes feel or believe they have done something wrong by surviving when others didn't. They feel guilty for surviving.

The title of this week's poem "Survivor Tilt" is a play on the words and concept of survivor guilt.

The survivor in this poem has survived something traumatic, which could be a situation in which people died, but not necessarily.

When I titled the poem I was thinking of incest survivors like myself. I will explain later how this title is apt for other types of survivors as well.

I changed the word guilt to tilt, meaning a leaning or inclination toward a belief.

What is that belief? Let's take a look at the poem.

When I feel now as I did then, I say to myself
It is, as I knew it would, happening again.

It is common for survivors of sexual abuse to feel or believe that they will experience the trauma of this experience again.

As a child, this belief was a coping mechanism that kept me from letting my guard down. Telling myself it would happen again protected me from being further shattered by false hope that the trauma was over. 

As I carried this belief into adulthood, its effect shifted from protecting me to limiting me. The event that inspired this poem is an example of how it limited me.

I wrote this poem when I was having an experience in which I felt just as trapped, vulnerable and powerless as I did when I was a child. The situation with something going on at work. Physically the situation was different from that of my childhood, but  I felt the same emotions so I believed the trauma was happening again just as I had told myself it would.

In my mind, the fact that I felt the same was evidence that my belief that it would happen again was true.

What's more, I believed I was just as powerless to take care of myself in the situation at work as I was to protect myself as a child.

So there's my limiting belief as an adult:
If I feel the same, the situation is the same, and I am the same.

This interpretation of my feelings and perception of myself limited my response to this situation to one - get out, get out, get out.

My default response to the possibility of being in situations where I would feel the same was always avoid, avoid, avoid.

It took quite a bit of time and therapy for me to open my mind to these truths:

1. What happened to me as a child can never happen again because I am different. I am not a child, and I never will be again. 
2. Even if I were attacked again, my attacker would not have the emotional and physical dominance over me that my father did because I can think with my adult mind and fight with my adult body.

New belief - even if I feel the same, the situation is different, and I am different.

New approach for responding to the same feelings:
- Identify the triggers of the feelings
- Evaluate my interpretation of the triggers objectively
- If I am in physical danger, get out of the situation or fight
- If I am physically safe, be open to what the situation can teach me

My new default response to the possibility of being in situations where I would feel the same is that facing my fear will free me of fear. 

For example, although the sexual abuse occurred in multiple locations, the house where I lived the longest symbolizes the whole experience for me.

Just the thought of returning to the house terrified me for over 30 years.I have avoided even going to the state where I lived.

Inspired by my new belief that facing my fear with free me of it, I have decided to return to the house and walk through it. I expect the experience to trigger the same feelings, but I also expect to be able to reframe my interpretation of the triggers because I am different.  


I think I can safely say that everyone reading this email has survived some kind of trauma.

Your trauma may have been caused by a situation in which you felt powerless, embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated, incompetent, or less than to name a few.

What was your trauma?

What beliefs do you or did you have as a result of your trauma?

How do your beliefs affect you now?

Do you avoid the same or similar situations because you assume you will have the same experience?

How are you different from when your first or last experienced the trauma?

What options does this change in you open up that you didn't see before?

I encourage you to explore the answers to these questions.

I would love to hear your thoughts! ​

Letting Go

To cling to what I treasure and shun what I fear is not in itself the vice
That lies within the blind I wear and the will to pay its price -
To never know the value in the consequence I fear
Or the detriment to life itself of that which I hold dear