Welcome to part 3 of Journey to Self -Esteem - The Things People Say.

If you have not read part 1 or part 2 or would like a refresher, click the links below:
Part 1 - Mirror , Mirror on the Wall
Part 2 - Self-Discrimination

I have repeated the explanation of the poem.

If you would like to jump right to the new stuff in part 3, click here.

In each part of this inspiration, I will address one of the many aspects that affect self-esteem.

First I'll explain the untitled poem.

Have you heard the saying, "I'm on the fence about this?"

Being on the fence refers to choosing not to take a side or stance on an issue or opinion. Getting off the fence would require literally standing on the ground on one side of the fence.  Figuratively speaking it means to take a stand by expressing an opinion of support for one of two opposite beliefs.

Let's take a look at the first line of the poem.

We walk the fence of self-esteem

To walk the fence of self-esteem is to be non-committal about our self-worth.
If we're on the fence, we don't feel bad about ourselves but we don't feel good about ourselves either.

Let's take a look at the second line of the poem.

Our faces toward the sun, but never leaping there

Have you heard the admonition "Look where you're going!" from someone you've bumped into accidentally because you were looking somewhere other than the direction you were moving. 

Likewise, it necessary to look where we want to go in order to set off on the journey to get there.

In the poem, "pointing our faces toward the sun" means setting our intention to take the journey toward high self-esteem. To leap there is an expression of enthusiasm and commitment to the journey. Never to leap there, to continue to walk the fence, is to enslave  ourselves to the world of "yes, but...

Let's take a look at the next line of the poem.

It's all we can do to keep our feet on the beam

A therapist once told me that people usually seek therapy because they are in pain. On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is the most pain imaginable and 10 is happy, many people stay in therapy until they reach a 5 and then quit because they're feeling better. They see the goal of reaching a 10 as either impossible or unnecessary.

"The beam" is the top rail of the fence of self-esteem, and to keep our feet on the beam is to settle for a 5 out of 10.

Let's look at the last line of the poem.

Avoid the shadow's lair.

The shadow's lair is that dark place where painful feelings reside unexamined by the light. I am speaking of feelings such as worthlessness, shame, guilt, incompetence, or insignificance.
Please add any I haven't listed that come from your experience. 

If your self-esteem is in the 1 to 4 range, you are in the shadow's lair.


Whether you are in the shadow's lair, on the fence with your face toward the sun, or leaping there, I can help you on your journey.

Read on!



Have you ever been angry and wouldn't let it go even when the issue seemed to be resolved?

Did you ever ask yourself what was behind your anger?
I don't mean the specific circumstance that sparked your anger.
I'm referring to the belief about yourself at the root of it.

Well I have, quite recently, and what I discovered is the topic of Journey to Self-Esteem Part 3 - The Things People Say 

I had been working with a doctor for months to treat insomnia After trying one sleep aid after another to no avail, my doctor enrolled me in a two-week sleep study.

I did not sleep at all the first night and I slept only two hours the following morning. The second night I once again did not sleep a wink followed by three hours sleep the next morning. The third night and morning were the same.

You can imagine the state of my mental and physical health at this point. I was too tired to drive safely, I couldn't focus my eyes well enough to read, and my abilities to reason and focus my attention were severely curtailed. These effects of sleep deprivation are the reason it has taken me two weeks to write this inspiration.

In desperation, I asked my doctor to prescribe a sedative that had previously enabled me to sleep. He refused - said that a pill was not the solution. 

" Two or three hours a night is ok," he said. "You're fine."

I passed a fourth sleepless night. By morning, I was livid.

I told my doctor I wanted a different doctor and that I was going to engage a patient advocate to express my dissatisfaction with the treatment I received from him.

In a short time I found a new doctor, so the there was really no point in engaging a patient advocate to get better medical treatment from my old doctor, but I wasn't satisfied.

I was angry, and I wanted to stay angry. I wanted my old doctor  to be reprimanded. I wanted another doctor to state for the record my old doctor was actually harming me by refusing to prescribe a sedative. 

Now, I am rarely angry, and even more rarely cling to anger when the object of my anger is no longer in my life.

My natural curiosity led me to wonder why I was holding on to the anger toward my old doctor. It wasn't to get different medical care - there was something more behind it. 

One of the great benefits of coaching is that you can learn to coach yourself. Thanks to the great coaching I received from my life coach, I was able to do just that.

I recognized that my anger was fueled by level 2 energy.

My core thought was conflict, my core emotion was anger, and the result was defiance.

I was in a win/lose, right/wrong mindset.
If he doesn't give me a sedative, he wins, and I lose.
If he isn't reprimanded for refusing to prescribe a sedative, he's right, and I'm wrong.

I must win and I must be right!

If you would like to read more about level 2 energy, click the links below to my blogs on this subject:

I've Seen The World From Both Sides Now
Sharing Tree Part 1

I asked myself questions I would ask a client:

What does being right mean to me?
Answer: Being right means my point of view is valid

What does being wrong mean to me?
Answer: Being wrong means that my point of view is invalid.

What does winning mean to me?
Answer: Winning means getting my needs met because they are valid (right). For example, I would win if my old doctor prescribed the sedative because I convinced him that my need for 8 hours sleep per night is valid.
I would also win If another doctor supported my claim that I need 8 hours per night and should be given a sedative to ensure this need was met.

What does losing mean to me?
Answer: Losing means not getting my needs met because they are invalid (wrong). For example, when my doctor said that I was fine and that 3 hours of sleep per night was ok, this meant that my need for 8 hours sleep per night was invalid (wrong).
Likewise, if another doctor agreed with my old doctor, I would lose. 

If I were speaking with a client, I would say, "Talk more about that."

Sleep deprivation has been a trigger for me my whole life

• My father attacked me almost always at night, which added the trauma of sleep deprivation to the trauma of the abuse.
• In the military, getting enough sleep was secondary to completing the mission.
• In graduate school, getting enough sleep was secondary to studying and completing assignments on time.
• In the teaching world, getting enough sleep was secondary to teaching classes on time.
• In the corporate world, getting enough sleep was secondary to meeting deadlines and putting in a minimum number of work hours.

When I left the corporate world, the first thing I did was turn off the alarms on my clock radio. I slept until I was rested everyday. I was thrilled to be able to put sleep first without risking that another important need would not be met as a consequence.

Now I feel I have to fight to meet my need for sleep.  All the solutions available to me no longer work, and the solution that has worked, the sedative, is not available to me.
This situation took me back to all the times when I had to sacrifice sleep to fulfill a duty or meet another's expectation.

I once again heard the message that my needs are invalid - not worthy of attention.

I couldn't tell you where I was on the self-esteem scale from 1 to 10, where 1 is "I am worthless," and 10 is "I am awesome," because I was waiting for someone else to tell me what to think.

When my old doctor denied my claim that I need 8 hours of sleep per night, I was at about a 2 on the self-esteem scale. When I thought about a new doctor supporting my point of view, I was at a 9.
When I thought of my old doctor being reprimanded for poor treatment of me, I was at a 10.

"Hmm...," I thought. "Things people say strongly impact my self-esteem - especially things people in positions of authority say, and especially about aspects of myself I have been insecure about all my life."

It's time for me to decide what to think of myself independent of what others say. I don't need to defer to others' opinions to decide what to think of myself, and I don't need others' opinions to support my self-esteem.

I like support and affirmation. Who doesn't?
But, I know who I am and what I'm worth because I'm the expert on me.

Let me get on that scale again - 10! 

As always, I love to hear your thoughts!

Want to continue the journey? Read Part 4 - Silencing the Gremlin

When I read this book as a young child, I came to three conclusions that shaped my life well into adulthood.

1. Loving means giving without receiving regardless of the cost to me.
2. I can make someone happy by giving to them without receiving regardless of the cost to me.
3. I will be happy if I give without receiving regardless of the cost to me. 

What does loving mean to you?

What do you believe about giving and receiving?

What do you think about the idea that a person can make someone else happy?


In Part 1, I explored these questions from the perspective of the Giving Tree as she responds to the boy's request for money in the different mindsets of the first catabolic (destructive) Core Energy levels, level 1 and level 2.

In Part 2, I explored the same questions from the perspective of the Giving Tree as she responds to the boy's request for money in the different mindsets of the first two anabolic (constructive) Core Energy levels - level 3 and level 4. 

I am touching lightly on the concepts of catabolic and anabolic energy here, defining them as destructive and constructive respectively. For an in depth discussion and examples of catabolic and anabolic energy, read my I've Seen The World From Both Sides Now blog. ​

​In part 3 I explore the same questions from the perspective of the Giving Tree as she responds to the boy's request for money in the mindset of the third anabolic Core Energy level - level 5.
I have an idea that will benefit both of us. I need half of my apples to reproduce the number trees I want. I would give you the other half my apples to sell. In exchange for my apples you would feed me enough tree food to grow more apples than I gave you.

The core thought at level 5 is reconciliation, which might  show up like this:

 There's nothing wrong with your perspective or mine. They are just different.

The core emotion is peace, which might show up like this: 

 I'm at peace with myself and my life.

The result of level 5 core thought and core emotion is acceptance, which might show up like this:

 It's ok that we want different things. This doesn't have to be a win/lose situation. Let's come up with a win/win option where we both get what we want.

Where do you see level 5 core characteristics in the tree's response?

How does level 5 energy show up for you?

Q&A
How does a person in the level 5 energy mindset see love?

Love means accepting a person as they are without judgment, and without trying to change them.

What does a person in the level 5 energy mindset believe about giving and receiving?

Both giving and receiving are important.
I am interested only in relationships with an equal exchange of giving and receiving. 

What does a person in the level 5 energy mindset think about the idea that a person can make someone else happy?

Happiness comes from within.
Now that you're familiar with energy levels 1 through 5, think about the relationship between the boy and the Giving Tree.

What is the Giving Tree's energy level in the poem?


If you said level 4, you are right!

The tree is concerned that the boy isn't happy, has  compassion for  his suffering, and serves him by giving of herself to her own detriment.

How would things be different it if were a sharing tree?

There would be both give and take in the relationship. It would be a win/win relationship.

There are two higher levels of core energy, but I will tell you about them in another inspiration. Five levels are enough for now.



What insights into yourself have you gained from the Sharing Tree inspiration?


How might these insights improve you relationships, both with yourself and others?
 
If you would like to know more about Core Energy and find out how your energy is distributed let me know. I offer an assessment that does that.and more.
 
I've shown you how someone in the mindset of each energy level would think and behave, but this is a simplification of something quite complex. 

Your Core Energy is almost always distributed across multiple energy levels in percentages. When I was in coach training I took an assessment that measured my Core Energy distribution under normal everyday experiences and also when I am under unusual stress.

The chart below shows my Core Energy distribution under normal circumstances at the time I took the assessment. 

​Sharing Tree

The Giving Tree I thought was good
Now I see unhealthy wood
It gave of self in rarest form
yet reaped no love in return
It gave and gave 'till none was left
save a stump - its one last gift
So when comes the very last page
the boy is old and tired with age
And still the boy does not see
the value of the Giving Tree
Despite the tree's steadfast will
the boy is old and unhappy still
I wonder would things different be
if it had been a sharing tree

Welcome to Part 2 of the Sharing Tree Inspiration!

If you have not read Part 1 or would like to refresh your memory, click here.

This poem is about the book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. If you are not familiar with the book, I encourage you to take five minutes to read it online via this PDF.  which has the full text and illustrations.

For my readers who do not want to read the whole story, I have written the summary below of the parts of the story relevant to this inspiration:

A little boy loves an apple tree, which he climbs and plays in every day, and the tree loves the boy. As the boy ages, he loses interest in climbing the tree and often leaves the tree alone for long periods of time. The tree misses the boy terribly.

One day the boy comes to the tree to ask for money, and the tree offer's the boy her apples to sell so he can get money and be happy. The boy takes the apples without thanking the tree and goes away for a long time. The tree is sad again.

This boy comes to the tree between long intervals throughout his life. Each time he requests the tree to give him something else, and tree does so at her own expense.

In addition to giving the boy her apples, the tree gives him her branches and then her trunk, until all that is left of her is a stump, which she also gives to him, hence the nameThe Giving Tree. 

The Giving Tree is happy every time she sacrifices part of herself for the boy because she thinks the sacrifices make him happy, and that's all that matters to her.

At the end of the book, when the Giving Tree has given literally all of herself to make the boy happy, he is still not happy.
​

When I read this book as a young child, I came to three conclusions that shaped my life well into adulthood.

1. Loving means giving without receiving regardless of the cost to me.
2. I can make someone happy by giving to them without receiving regardless of the cost to me.
3. I will be happy if I give without receiving regardless of the cost to me. 

What does loving mean to you?

What do you believe about giving and receiving?

What do you think about the idea that a person can make someone else happy?


In Part 1, I explored these questions from the perspective of the Giving Tree as she responds to the boy's request for money in the different mindsets of the first catabolic (destructive) Core Energy levels, level 1 and level 2.

For Part 2, I will explore the same questions from the perspective of the Giving Tree as she responds to the boy's request for money in the different mindsets of the first two anabolic (constructive) Core Energy levels - level 3 and level 4. 

​​I am touching lightly on the concepts of catabolic and anabolic energy here, defining them as destructive and constructive respectively. For an in depth discussion and examples of catabolic and anabolic energy, read my I've Seen The World From Both Sides Now blog. 

​Sharing Tree

The Giving Tree I thought was good
Now I see unhealthy wood
It gave of self in rarest form
yet reaped no love in return
It gave and gave 'till none was left
save a stump - its one last gift
So when comes the very last page
the boy is old and tired with age
And still the boy does not see
the value of the Giving Tree
Despite the tree's steadfast will
the boy is old and unhappy still
I wonder would things different be
if it had been a sharing tree

When I read this book as a young child, I came to three conclusions that shaped my life well into adulthood.

1. Loving means giving without receiving regardless of the cost to me.
2. I can make someone happy by giving to them without receiving regardless of the cost to me.
3. I will be happy if I give without receiving regardless of the cost to me. 

What does loving mean to you?

What do you believe about giving and receiving?

What do you think about the idea that a person can make someone else happy?


I want to explore these questions from the perspective of the Giving Tree as she responds to the boy's request for money in the different mindsets of the catabolic Core Energy levels - one and two. ​

​I am touching lightly on the concepts of catabolic and anabolic energy here, defining them as destructive and constructive respectively. For an in depth discussion and examples of catabolic and anabolic energy, read my I've Seen The World From Both Sides Now blog. 

I introduced the core energy concept, levels of energy, and the Energetic Self Perception Chart in the You Are What You Speak blog  where we explored Core Energy level 1.   

Let's look at the tree's response from a level 1 mindset.

I can't help you. I have nothing to offer. I am worthless.


The core thought at level 1 is victim, which might show up like this:

I am a powerless victim of circumstance.

The core emotion is apathy, which might show up like this:

I can't make the situation any better, so there's no point in trying.

The result of level 1 core thought and core emotion is lethargy, which might show up like this:

I just don't have the energy to do anything.


Where do you see level 1 characteristics in the tree's response?


How does level 1 energy show up for you?

 
 
Q&A
What does loving mean to a person in the level 1 energy mindset?

I cannot experience love because I am not lovable.
My  love is worthless because I have nothing of value to offer.

What does a person in the level 1 energy mindset believe about giving and receiving?

Receiving is everything. I cannot afford to give because my needs are too great.

What does a person in the level 1 energy mindset think about the idea that a person can make someone else happy?

I need someone else to make me happy. I can't make anyone  happy.

​Let's look at the tree's response from a level 2 mindset.

You've got a lot of nerve asking me for help when you left me alone for so long without so much as a thank you for all I've done for you. I suppose you want to get money by selling my apples! Not a chance! Get a job, and don't even think of taking my apples! If you try, I will smack you with my branches! 
I introduced core energy level 2 in my I've Seen The World From Both Sides Now blog.

The core thought at level 2 is conflict, which might show up like this:

I'm right and you're wrong.

The core emotion is anger, which might show up like this: 

People waste my time bringing me their problems when they should fix it themselves.

People try to take advantage of me.

Nobody appreciates what I do.

The result of level 2 core thought and core emotion is defiance, which might show up like this:

I'm not going to do it, and you can't make me!

Where do you see level 2 core characteristics in the tree's response?


How does level 2 energy show up for you?


Q&A
What does loving mean to a person in the level 2 energy mindset?

When someone tells me they love me I don't believe them. Saying "I love you" is just an manipulation - a way to get me to let my guard down so they can take advantage of me.

What does a person in the level 2 energy mindset believe about giving and receiving?

I deserve to receive more than I do because I do all the work.
I give to people who meet my expectations.

What does a person in the level 2 energy mindset think about the idea that a person can make someone else happy?

People make me happy when they meet my expectations and show appreciation for my effort.

I'm not interested in making other people happy.

Life-ful Place

I find I want to kill what I am afraid to embrace
whether it be spiders, roaches or male sexuality

Now I am called to see them not as monsters -
but as Love with a new face

This thought, once impossible, is now but improbable -
that everything contained in life has a life-ful place

Welcome to Journey from Judging to Embracing Part 2 - From Forgiveness to Acceptance.

In my Journey From Judging to Embracing Part 1 blog, we explored how the first three lines of this poem describe my transition from hatred to forgiveness, from core energy level 2 to level 3 on the Energetic Self Perception Chart.,

It was a limited forgiveness. I let go of the judgment that they are monsters.I forgave them for being what they are. I rationalized that they were just made that way.

My higher power called for more still. Let's look at the fourth line.

but as love with a new face

Let me give you the context of this line.

When I lost my cats, Remus and Romulus, who had been with me for over 17 years, I was devastated. I couldn't imagine even having, much less loving other cats. I also felt I would be betraying my love for them if I loved other cats. But when they passed, I could not bare the emptiness of my home without cats because I have so much love to give, so I brought home Punch and Michaelangelo. (No, I did not misspell Michaelangelo - that's his name)

It was a rough transition. All I wanted from Punch and Michaelangelo was for them to be like Remus and Romulus so they could fill the hole in my heart. I grieved for Remus and Romulus every day, which I expected, but I also unexpectedly grew to love Punch and Michaelangelo for who they are.

One day I had an epiphany. I realized the love Punch and Michaelangelo gave me was the same love Remus and Romulus gave me. It was the universal Love I'd seen in the faces of all the cats I've ever had, my family, my friends, and every homeless person who smiles at me. Punch and Michaelangelo were Love with new faces.  

I realized then that Love would always come to me with a new face when one passed from my life.

So, back to the poem:

Now I am called to see them not as monsters,
but as Love with a new face

Could spiders, cockroaches and male sexuality be love with new faces?

To answer that question, I have to take into account a very important distinction.

Insects do not choose - they act instinctively. 

Men choose how to use their sexuality. My father did not hurt me because he was compelled by his sexuality. He chose to hurt me because he is a predator.

I have to ask my self, "Is it possible then, that male sexuality could be the face of Love?" Based on what I have learned from men friends who love their wives and partners, my answer is yes.

 
Think about the faces of love in your life.

Are they faces of the universal Love?

Now think about the faces that have hurt you.

Did a person hurt you by choice?

With what aspect of themselves did they hurt you?

Are you open to the possibility that the same aspect could be the face of Love on a different person?


After you answer these questions, turn your attention to the end of the poem.

This thought, once impossible, has become but improbable - 
that everything contained in life has a life-ful place

This shift in thinking was a major milestone on my journey from judging to embracing.

I've gone from thinking that what I fear to embrace is at best not a monster to acknowledging the possibility that everything in life, even what I fear, has a place - a life-ful place.


Here are some questions to help you make this journey.

What things or people in life do you think just shouldn't be?

What do you feel when you think this?

What do you do when you feel this way?

What do you think would happen if you thought and felt differently about it?

What would that do for you?

What would be a different powerful belief for you (whether you believe it now or not)?

Imagine this powerful new belief is true. How would that feel?

What would you do with this new feeling? Would you act differently? How?

Based on this new thought and feeling, what are you willing to do this week to take a step on your journey from judging to embracing?

Need an example? Take a look at my answers.

What things or people in life do you think just shouldn't be?
Spiders, roaches and male sexuality

What do you feel when you think this?
Angry

What do you do when you feel this way?
Lash out

What do you think would happen if you thought and felt differently about it?
I would not see them as threats.

What would that do for you?
Relieve my anxiety about them.

What would be a different powerful belief for you (whether you believe it now or not)?
Spiders: I do not see them as faces of Love because they are not capable of love. I could however considered that they might have the right to life.

Roaches: They also are not capable of love, and I still consider them vile detestable creatures I intend to kill if they cross my path inside. I could consider that they serve a purpose in the animal kingdom and therefore have the right to live outside.

Male sexuality: I could consider that It can be the face of Love when worn by men who choose to love.

Imagine this powerful new belief is true. How would that feel?
Peaceful

What would you do with this new feeling? Would you act differently? How?
Spiders: Allow a spider or two (very small ones) to live when they crossed my path.

Roaches: Not kill those I see outside

Male sexuality: Be open to the possibility of a safe experience

Based on this new thought and feeling, what are you willing to do this week to take a step on your journey from judging to embracing?
Spiders: Nothing

Roaches: Nothing

Male sexuality: Talk to a woman who was traumatized by male sexuality but has a safe experience now.

As you can see, I am still a work in progress.

I hope that sharing my journey from judging to embracing has inspired you to embark on your own.

If you would like a partner on your journey, I can help.

Schedule a complimentary session with me today!